Contest Champion Pillows

'Henderson always walks away with the neighborhood pumpkin carving contest.'

'I'm doing a 'Win a Date with a Computer Geek' contest on my website.'

'We've won a free trip to the mountains.'

'You wouldn't happen to be sitting on my entry to the straightest runner bean competition?'

The First Annual Game Show Week.

Not much money, glory, or praise

'The employee who guesses closest to the correct number of beans in this jar will be awarded this year's annual pay increase! -Management, ATOZ Accountants

'Rhea of the Year.'

Dog Show. He was this close to winning a ribbon until they subtracted points for his breath.

Elf of the Month

"Brian, isn't Dry January and Veganuary enough?!!"

'He's won an exotic holiday to Easter Island and it's gone straight to his head.'

'You daft cow...I said I needed some company and was out for a duck!'

'Congratulations. You're our 15th caller. The grant is yours!'

'And the gold medal goes to...'

"You just blinked — I saw you blink first. OK, again. Ready? Go!"

'We did it, Dad! We won the heaviest frog award!'

'I want to thank all my obstacles for making this possible.'

'Listen, I know that nose was what made me famous, but it also led to me being typecast. I'm hoping this change helps me get more diverse roles.'

Man reading letter, 'You may already be a winner' about to step on rake.

"By God, this year on my vacation I'm going to read a book!"

Contest time. Mort and Sadie, our ornery octogenarians, have decided to rename Rudy's generation. Mort favors Generation I - for impatient. Sadie prefers Generation V - for virtual. Or vapid! What do you think? Please send your own ideas to asksadieshow@gmail.com. C'mon people, get thinkin'!

"Why do you keep saying MY pride is going to get the best of me?"

"Sure I won the spelling bee contest, but since everyone has spell check, no one cares!"

I must say, that's the most pathetic bar promotion I've ever seen. Tuesdays! Wet Socks Contest!

No soliciting - unless you're one of those sweepstakes

'You're excited about winning a traveling toothbrush kit in a sweepstakes after spending $300 on postage and entering 1,500 contests?'

'On the contrary, if trouble breaks out we stand a much better chance if we split up.'

'You are the unwisest man...goodbye.'

'I'm taking you off the javelin - you throw it way too high!'

Died After A Brave Battle With Everything

Angel Wins Publisher's Clearing House

We're stuck here for the entire summer. It's loserville! Let's start "the most boring town" contest. I bet there's one already on the web. Darn! Here's a "top ten tedious towns" list. We're not on it. West Fester is so boring, it's not even the most boring.

Rudy, you wanna know possible names for your generation? Huh? The L-Generation for loser, the C-generation for clueless or connected, J for jerk or W for whiners. These readers suggestions all have something in common. None of them won the contest to name Rudy's generation. Not that we're taunting the non-winners. C'mon, taunt the losers!! Winner to be named any day now.

Maybe we should do a big check next time. Sweepstak … 5 five.