Contentious Legal Battle Gifts

"Your ex-wife's attorney is totally unethical. I'm certain he'll take a payoff."

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

The New Fundamentals of Art: 'We'll begin with the most basic figure, the trademark attorney...'

'This prediction has a margin of error of plus or minus fifteen...fifteen class-action suits brought against the company.'

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

Lawyer to bad hair lady: 'It's difficult to establish pain and suffering based on a bad hair day.'

"The doctor is in court on Tuesdays and Wednesdays."

"The jury didn't buy my defense that CEOs just want to have fun."

"Before the defense rests, my client would like to read you a little sonnet he composed about his love for the jury."

Occupy Budget Balancing

"The last time I was in Europe was 4 boyfriends ago..."

"And finally, I implore the jury not to take my clients lack of alibi and blatant lies out of context."

"Another slander suit!"

"Does it hurt when my attorney does this?"

'He started it!'

'Let's see what the employment tribunal has to say about that, shall we?'

'Furthermore, had a handrail been fitted to the wall , my client would not be sitting here now.'

'Is that guy back again? Hey, if you find that sponge I lost, give a shout.'

'I thought he was joking. I didn't think my husband would really turn me in to the FDA!'

'It's my mother. She wants to talk to you.'

'That's nothing...I've been told my wig takes fifteen years off me.'

"The law is an ass...employment law, however, is an asset."

'Insofar as all parties have agreed to mediation, I've taken the liberty of hiring a medium.'

"Excellent! It's the disclosure documents for your hearing on Monday."

'Yuo were wise to get a second opinion. Now we can sue both doctors.'

"She left everything to you. But, the hamster is contesting the will."

'I bet this is going to be another round of criminal bashing, isn't it?'

"I forget. If I have an adverse reaction, do I call my doctor or my lawyer?"

Keystone XL

"We the jury find that the murder was committed by Colonel Mustard, in the library, with the candlestick!"

'Nothing cements the relationship like the chance to get it in writing.'

"I pronounce you guilty as charged and wife."

"May I remind you that our prenuptial agreement called for me to take the plants?"

"What are you thinking of, Dear?" "Oh just something I said to Robert Mueller."

"I'm thinking of suing your cafe. I just got a $2,000 dental bill. You should be paying for it." "I'm in here every day and I always order your sugary scones and your sugar-filled lattes." "That's why I had twelve cavities!" "I'll settle out of court for a scone and a latte." "No deal."