Contemporary Art Lover Gifts

Sold! For £42,000 to the... No wait - it's the wrong way round!

The Big Picture

"I spent $1,000 on this great painting. And I spent $2,000 on college courses to know why it is great!"

Scared sheep visiting a Damien Hirst exhibition.

"Yes, your work does speak to me and it's telling me you can't paint."

"You moved!"

'I thought it was the ultimate expression of minimalism, but it turns out the gallery's lost its funding.'

'Gentlemen, it's a fake!'

"How long have you had this compulsion to leave bronze casts of yourself everywhere you go, Mr Gormley?"

Emin's bed, tidied up.

'I've always wanted to enter the Turner Prize.' - 'Burp!' - 'Okay, great. Now I just need a title...'

"So, is your artwork on the back?"

Artist in formaldehyde

At The Museum of Contemporary Egotistical Photograhy

'Bacon? It's more like squashed sausages!'

Loses rulers faster than the Mideast.

'There seems to be no end to his talent.'

Anyone would think it's Frieze week...

"He's really captured the moment!"

"I think that's one of his early 'blank canvases'. I think there are some bigger ones in the next room."

"I can't help thinking that in it's 'emptiness', it's absence of meaning, it's COMMUNICATING with me."

"You've hung this picture upside down!!"

"With apologies. . ? I'd have put: 'You know where you can stick it!'"

"An eight year old could do this. . .!!"

"The selection committee turned down my painting as 'tribe and banal' but they'd like to exhibit the envelope I sent it in."

"I collect art. Or trash, depending on your point of view."

If you do not understand this, then you cannot be rich enough.

"Yeah, it's Bill's cocoon. As you know, he's a big modern art fan..."

'Let's not invite the Pollocks again.'

'At least, this artist has got a message.'

"Hey, neat visuals!"

NEA Grant Application

"At this point, the artist had an epiphany."

"If life gives you lemons, photograph them and produce small edition affordable prints."

"I love the way the empty canvas saves on paint."