Consumerist Satire Fans Gifts

Expensive greeting cards.

'The good news is I had a very good year.'

Boss to employee: 'I'm downsizing your paycheck.'

'A lackluster style got me to where I am, and a lackluster style is going to keep me here.'

"Let's never forget that the public's desire for transparency has to be balanced by our need for concealment."

'Actually, it was pretty easy once we got past the part about not learning new tricks.'

What's your returns policy on faulty goods?

Reality TV

"You're in luck! Business ethics is a grey area, we're sending you back!"

'The controversy builds, as we gather more half-arsed comments to dress up as considered public opinion!'

Pirate Captain Wears Pirate Slogan T-Shirt

"They're only dummy home security signs, but I've sharped the edges so they'll cut you like a razor."

Ed's Odd Job Lot.

And this is one we made earlier.

'You go first... after all, you were my mentor.'

"We're looking for someone more aggressive, and, well, Pinkston is still intact."

"It's my personal, one step recipe for success. Step 1: Gimme all your money."

How come nothing good ever happens to me? Like what? Like getting taken by a foreign government then rescued. I want to get a book contract, to be part of the news cycle, to have him talk about me. Whom? Speak my name, Anderson Cooper! The great one.

"Just browsing."

"Let's just issue last year's annual report and see if anyone notices."

It's because you've given us the best years of your life, Potter - that's why we're letting you go.

"I always feel like a third and fifth wheel in social situations."

"Just a glass of wine with breakfast, officer."

Our Founder

"General Electric beat him out of his death ray and he's simply furious!"

"New super select-a-size! 1/2 sheet, 1/4 sheet, 1/8 sheet (make-up remover), 1/16 sheet (spider killer), 1/32 sheet (booger getter), 1/64 sheets (zit squeezers)."

"We've travelled the world looking for our next C.E.O., as was foretold in our corporate legends. We think your little Tim might be that C.E.O."

"Forget about the Wizard, guys...these stores have everything!"

"And, in exchange for his testimony, your client gets to pick something nice out of our catalogue."

"These pills are resulting in addiction...I'm addicted to coming in here and buying up all your other lovely stuff."

'An email birthday card isn't enough. It's not the thought that counts, it's what's BOUGHT that counts.'

Living in a glass house phobia.

'This appliance will replace that other appliance which replaced all those original appliances.'

Hindering Holiday Harassment

In a trade reminiscent of Johnny Damon to the Yankees, Santa Claus signs with Gimbel's for big bucks and shaves his face.