Consumerist Satire Fans Pillows

Expensive greeting cards.

'The good news is I had a very good year.'

Boss to employee: 'I'm downsizing your paycheck.'

'A lackluster style got me to where I am, and a lackluster style is going to keep me here.'

"Let's never forget that the public's desire for transparency has to be balanced by our need for concealment."

What's your returns policy on faulty goods?

Reality TV

'The controversy builds, as we gather more half-arsed comments to dress up as considered public opinion!'

'Actually, it was pretty easy once we got past the part about not learning new tricks.'

"You're in luck! Business ethics is a grey area, we're sending you back!"

Pirate Captain Wears Pirate Slogan T-Shirt

Ed's Odd Job Lot.

"They're only dummy home security signs, but I've sharped the edges so they'll cut you like a razor."

And this is one we made earlier.

"We're looking for someone more aggressive, and, well, Pinkston is still intact."

'You go first... after all, you were my mentor.'

"It's my personal, one step recipe for success. Step 1: Gimme all your money."

"Just browsing."

It's because you've given us the best years of your life, Potter - that's why we're letting you go.

"Let's just issue last year's annual report and see if anyone notices."

"Just a glass of wine with breakfast, officer."

"I always feel like a third and fifth wheel in social situations."

Our Founder

"New super select-a-size! 1/2 sheet, 1/4 sheet, 1/8 sheet (make-up remover), 1/16 sheet (spider killer), 1/32 sheet (booger getter), 1/64 sheets (zit squeezers)."

"We've travelled the world looking for our next C.E.O., as was foretold in our corporate legends. We think your little Tim might be that C.E.O."

'This appliance will replace that other appliance which replaced all those original appliances.'

Living in a glass house phobia.

'An email birthday card isn't enough. It's not the thought that counts, it's what's BOUGHT that counts.'

Hindering Holiday Harassment

"These pills are resulting in addiction...I'm addicted to coming in here and buying up all your other lovely stuff."

"And, in exchange for his testimony, your client gets to pick something nice out of our catalogue."

'Loophole, Loophole and Smith Accountants'