Satirical Consumer Pillows

"New super select-a-size! 1/2 sheet, 1/4 sheet, 1/8 sheet (make-up remover), 1/16 sheet (spider killer), 1/32 sheet (booger getter), 1/64 sheets (zit squeezers)."

All Harold's aptitude test showed is that he had an aptitude for taking tests.

They get into debt so fast these days...

Pirates at the mall.

'Are referees black with white stripes or white with black stripes?'

'Our guest tonight certainly needs no introduction.'

"What would you suggest to fill the dark, empty spaces in my soul?"

What if retail stores behaved like websites?

Expensive greeting cards.

Seven deadly sins shopping plaza

"Once you break through the plastic clamshell and blister packs, there won't be any packaging left!"

"They put nipples on the mannequins so you'll look at the stupid sweaters. Duh!"

Eye of Newt Helper

"We've gone 'Glutton-Free'."

'How do I know if it's seaworthy?'

"So the only way to save the economy is to spend what we haven't got - plus ca change - moin ca change!"

A sign outside the "Museum of Modern Gift Items" reads "T-shirts of the Masters Sale".

'Bag? Any vouchers? Like a packer? If you have two of those... What type of apples are these?'

Pirate Captain Wears Pirate Slogan T-Shirt

Ed's Odd Job Lot.

"If there are more than two people in front of you - we will open another superstore."

"So if I'm to understand you correctly, this 'engineered athletic footwear' with its 'extended torsion system' is also a sneaker?"

Mail-Order Yard Sale

'When will you learn? You're only paying for the label!'

Financial Christmas

Government a la Carte

"Footwear's upstairs, Sir"

"Sometimes I like to browse the men's section just to screw with the patriarchy."

Poor Holiday Gift Choice...The Lucifer 2500, Talking GPS Device.

Balance Sheets in Space

"Classic ballcap $79.95. White, black, red or blue. Adjustable. One size fits all."

'Tell me if this hurts.'

Mother Nature's Health Foods

'Sometimes I ask myself, 'What would good King Wenceslaus think about all this?''

'Freeze Dried Nothing®. Directions: To make something out of NOTHING®, just add water.'