Connection Comedian Gifts

"Actually, I am underwater."

Kiosk in large lobby with sign above it labeled 'Empathy'.

When Ted and Nancy would dance, it was as if they were the only couple on the floor....

'I recognize the face ... I just can't pin down the name.'

'Here's the CEO - Chief Egotistical Official!'

"Yes, I'm alone."

Business cartoon showing sales declining so much that they bounce off the floor.

"Would you like to leave a message? He's on the throne"

Above reproach.

'I think it's really tacky to make the salesperson of the month someone from another firm.'

'Yes we do have health benefits, but read the fine print. You're only allowed to get sick once every three years.'

Cold caller.

'It's a text from Mike - Sorry I'm L8 B THR in a crrrrassssssh!!! ARRRRGGGHHH....;p'

"Eric, this is your father, mister Trump." "You must have the wrong number. I'm Mortimer Park."

Ten business commandments, city trading floor

'When I said I was going to resign my contract, I meant re-sign my contract for another five years!'

'We've identified the reason for our earning's shortfall. It seems our company is run by a bunch of rabbits.'

"Kevin's job as a train announcer seriously affected his love-life..."

"If you're annoyed by answering machines, press 1. . ."

"I'm disabling autocorrect, because it reminds me too much of my mother-in-law."

"Come home when the internet's back on."

Our Universe: Matter (.0001%), Dark Matter (40%), Spam (60%)

Keister Island

"Of course under your new contract the requirement for you to provide 24 hour cover is optional...you could also opt for 36 or 48 hours!"

"If anyone has a question do not hesitate to open your mouth wide up."

"Are you talking to me?"

"All I said is I'd like a little more attention. I don't need the shenanigans."

"Sign here to indicate you have no idea what you've signed."

bound by restrictive covenant

"And with this, nuptial contract, independent inventory and itemised bill...I thee wed."

'The accountants can wait, Tell them I'm tied up in a meeting with representatives from Pomerol Pommard,'

Modern animal communication

"You've omitted your previous patient experience and recommendations from two other doctors."

People, come on, connect the dots...NOT THOSE DOTS!

Oh U! The German Periscoper: "Ach Himmel! Dot most be der peutiful Ben Nevis of vich ve 'ave 'eard so mooch!"