Conceited Comedian Gifts

'Please leave your message after the tone...'

Moses on the web

Two priests share a laugh outside a confessional booth

'Wait a minute -- you haven't said anything about a retirement age.'

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

'Either you say 'I do' or you don't -- You can't plead nolo contendere.'

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

"What if my inner demons want to write about bunnies?"

'For your penance, download five 'Hail marys' and ten 'Our fathers'.'

"Are there any available upgrade options?"

'I committed the sin of pride. I've been gloating over how our church baseball team waxed yours.'

If a tree falls on a philosopher in the woods, and no one is there to hear his screams for help, did he really make a sound?

"Honey, it’s no use. We’ve done everything to try to save the divorce — I think we’re going to have to stay married."

"America hasn't been discovered yet -- how about cheddar?"

'Well, Helen, you were right - our marriage contract does include an option year.'

'I want to biopsy that growth, Mr. Johnson. I don't like the looks of it.'

"It's getting serious - he left his stuff."

"Do you promise to love and be faithful to each other for the next 28 days and then see where it goes from there?"

"We can't scrub the 'forsaking all others' bit."

"Father Fondell. . . your confessional is ready."

'My client is fine with the nuptial agreement except for section 7a, non parole period!'

'Is this a trick question?'

'No, the answer is: d ) All of the above.'

"OK, but I'll have to run it by my husband."

"Define 'lawfully'."

''For what it's worth'? - Are you sure you don't mean 'for better or for worse'?'

"There's a man at the door with a wooden leg."

"Come on Father, confess. You haven't been keeping to your diet, have you?"

Uncomfortably open Mike night.

'I do, but no promises.'

Brenda tests to see if Karl can truly handle the low points of living together.

"What type of disposition do I think I have? One that happily accepts marriage proposals..."

"I don't care if all your friends like that. You go back and put on some more insulation, young lady!"

"And do you, Robert, mind if I smoke?"

Deadly Sins Dept. Envy. Lust. Sloth. Pride. Greed. Wrath. Gluttony. At times it seems like it should be, but "oversharing" is not a deadly sin.