Compliance Cynic Gifts

'Ms Wayne, check with the legal department. Why must we obey the rules?'

This is a RED TAPE production Area.

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

Government a la Carte

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

'The company's in great shape financially. Hey, a bent but still usable staple!'

'I sometimes wonder if these endless meetings accomplish anything.'

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

'We use a modified 'carrot and stick' approach here - We've done away with the carrot.'

"I've given up trying to be on top of things."

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'

'I'd like you to become a smaller, lower-paid version of myself.'

'Don't worry about doing the right thing. There'll be plenty of time for that when you're fired,retired,or reincarnated.'

'The position carries no health benefits but we do give you a mantra which you can recite daily to promote good health.'

'The project isn't that important, so put some of your worst people on it.'

'I might give you the benefit of the doubt. But I doubt it.'

Brilliant suggestion Kimble, to get rid of all the deadwood around here - we'll miss you.

"We need to make some cuts. We’ll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"'I've been promoted from 'peon' to 'nameless cog'.'"

"So we all agree to reduce our company motto to 'It was the least we could do'?"

'The company was quite generous. They gave me a whole day off for the funeral.'

Wow. A corner office at last

"So what is the true need for this project?" "To make me look good."

'I LOVE the smell of cooked books.'

'To you, it's doing my work for me. To me... it's teamwork.'

"Sometime today do you mind putting in a two-week notice so I don't have to fire you?"

"Your employees have lost faith in your ability to pretend to care about them."

'Before we conclude this meeting, is there anyone who needs to finish sucking up to me?'

Suggestions Box

'Nice work. I'm going to start putting a bigger signature on your paycheck.'

'The good news is consumer confidence is up. And the REALLY good news is consumer gullibility is Way up.'