Compensation Manager Gifts

"You should probably pass if they offer stock options."

"Since when did the bonus program default to passing the hat"

"Stock options for your thoughts."

'Being the boss's yes-man used to be easier. Now you also have to 'like' him on facebook, follow him on Twitter, link with him on linked-in...'

'We divested ourselves of a division here, a subsidiary there, a branch here, an affiliate there...there's nothing left!'

'Don't worry about it. If at first we don't succeed, we can do it later and get paid time-and-a-half for it.'

'We're living in a round hole economy.'

Performance management: "We decided to get rid of the carrot and keep the stick."

Employer surrenders to case loads of workplace disputes and claims.

'I use my Blackberry all the time to check the competition's executive bonuses.'

'It's a treasure map.'

'This is your lucky day!'

Payroll Dept. My economic anxiety has less to do with the weak dollar than the week's dollars! (Published originally on March 14, 2008.)

"If I paid you what you're worth, you'd be working for nothing!"

'There are some subjects that are off limits...CEO bonuses...Overtime pay...Business ethics...'

'What's a cubic foot?' - 'Whatever it is claim compensation.'

"Yes, the company is heavily into R&D... rust and decay!"

Humpty Dumpty Had a Great Lawyer

'Good morning! Lawyer, lawyers and more lawyers! Who may we sue for you!'

"Once we get the performance figures in we give them to Mrs Miggins and her magic cauldron to make sense of them!"

"Mr. Packard will sue you now."

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

'I want to talk to all the king's lawyers about suing all the king's stone masons who built this wall.'

"We're still negotiating. I want a six-figure starting salary and they don't want to hire me."

'We really can't afford golden parachutes any more, but here's a plastic crash helmet.'

The Dilemma of a Whistle Blower

Suees and Sueers

Employee Benefits

And this is our new manager in charge of compliance

I'm beat! Was work too hard for you? I didn't notice you helping dig, haul, plant or water dad's nursery. Boo hoo! He paid you, didn't he? Yeah. But I'm too tired to spend it! Now I can help.

"Incentive program, you mean like your paycheck?"

Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of an organization advocating the overthrow of the generous executive bonus system in corporations?

'Sir, we've just received word that our company is not longer a threat to the environment, and you have a squirrel holding on line two.'

'This new ruling on bankers pay has really thrown the cat among the pigeons...'

"But the good news is that if you get a life threatening illness...then you'd get a decent payout."