Compensation Manager Pillows

"You should probably pass if they offer stock options."

"Since when did the bonus program default to passing the hat"

"Stock options for your thoughts."

'We divested ourselves of a division here, a subsidiary there, a branch here, an affiliate there...there's nothing left!'

'We're living in a round hole economy.'

'Don't worry about it. If at first we don't succeed, we can do it later and get paid time-and-a-half for it.'

Performance management: "We decided to get rid of the carrot and keep the stick."

'I use my Blackberry all the time to check the competition's executive bonuses.'

Employer surrenders to case loads of workplace disputes and claims.

'It's a treasure map.'

'This is your lucky day!'

"If I paid you what you're worth, you'd be working for nothing!"

'There are some subjects that are off limits...CEO bonuses...Overtime pay...Business ethics...'

'What's a cubic foot?' - 'Whatever it is claim compensation.'

"Yes, the company is heavily into R&D... rust and decay!"

'Good morning! Lawyer, lawyers and more lawyers! Who may we sue for you!'

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

"Mr. Packard will sue you now."

'We really can't afford golden parachutes any more, but here's a plastic crash helmet.'

'I want to talk to all the king's lawyers about suing all the king's stone masons who built this wall.'

"Once we get the performance figures in we give them to Mrs Miggins and her magic cauldron to make sense of them!"

"We're still negotiating. I want a six-figure starting salary and they don't want to hire me."

The Dilemma of a Whistle Blower

Suees and Sueers

'This new ruling on bankers pay has really thrown the cat among the pigeons...'

And this is our new manager in charge of compliance

Employee Benefits

"But the good news is that if you get a life threatening illness...then you'd get a decent payout."

'Sir, we've just received word that our company is not longer a threat to the environment, and you have a squirrel holding on line two.'

"Incentive program, you mean like your paycheck?"

Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of an organization advocating the overthrow of the generous executive bonus system in corporations?

"Here comes Paul. Maybe he can help us turn things around."

"Sure, we can spend all day nitpicking specifics but aren't sweeping generalities so much more satisfying?"