Compensation Commander Gifts

Randy, what's the best way to ask for a raise? Have a battle plan. First do recon: how're the company's finances? Second: arm yourself with examples of how you went above and beyond. Then you march in. Then you hope the public hasn't lost interest and congress hasn't cut funding for your medical care when you get home. Well that went off on a tangent. "No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy."

"Stock options for your thoughts."

"Listen to everybody's opinions? Please, we're not that desperate."

Moses holds up new federal regulation guidelines.

'Ladies and gents, the executive-worker pay ratio is not what it used to be!'

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

Infantry.

'I blame the nothing for something culture.'

'I use my Blackberry all the time to check the competition's executive bonuses.'

Industry and Idleness - The industrious apprentice a favourite, and entrusted by his master.

'It's a treasure map.'

'Your wife called to remind you that you're married, sir.'

'This is your lucky day!'

"You should probably pass if they offer stock options."

'We're not interested in loyalty,but we do value obedience.'

'Everyone keeps telling me I need my eyes checked, so here I am!'

Payroll Dept. My economic anxiety has less to do with the weak dollar than the week's dollars! (Published originally on March 14, 2008.)

'There are some subjects that are off limits...CEO bonuses...Overtime pay...Business ethics...'

I dread to think what he would have got had they made a profit.

"Sorry sir, it's the permafrost again!"

"I'm afraid it's a bad case of libel!"

'Because of cost cuts, your computer and telephone got removed. Just make a 'Click-Click' noise for typing, 'Bzzt-Bzzt' for printing and 'Ring-Ring' for incoming calls.'

"Mr. Packard will sue you now."

'He's been driven mad by reading about all these huge litigation cases...'

"We're still negotiating. I want a six-figure starting salary and they don't want to hire me."

'And I'll bet that there's a cute little war story that goes with each one of them.'

'I didn't know you got one for saluting.'

"I never ask for a raise any more. I just hack into the boss's computer and give myself one."

'We really can't afford golden parachutes any more, but here's a plastic crash helmet.'

"Damn shareholders are objecting to 'grotesquely inflated' executive pay... They want us to settle for 'outrageously inflated'!"

Pentagon

"Incentive program, you mean like your paycheck?"

Been Injured In An Accident That Wasn't Your Fault! Call...Wilbur & Ohnson.

Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of an organization advocating the overthrow of the generous executive bonus system in corporations?

'The general says, I'm not only expendable, but also biodegradable.'