Compensation Specialist Gifts

'It's a treasure map.'

"...your wig falling into the shredder does not constitute an industrial accident."

"Stock options for your thoughts."

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"I've written the employees' benefit manual in invisible ink"

'I use my Blackberry all the time to check the competition's executive bonuses.'

'Are you the genius who came up with the 'Alternative Payment' program?'

'This is your lucky day!'

'Rising health costs are the biggest drain on the economy, so I'll be laying off some of my patients.'

"You should probably pass if they offer stock options."

Deposits insured by the U.S. Government (which has a $4.2 trillion debt).

'I do my best work when I'm being paid a huge salary.'

"If I paid you what you're worth, you'd be working for nothing!"

Payroll Dept. My economic anxiety has less to do with the weak dollar than the week's dollars! (Published originally on March 14, 2008.)

'I'm looking for a workaholic who feels the great job he does is compensation enough.'

'There are some subjects that are off limits...CEO bonuses...Overtime pay...Business ethics...'

I dread to think what he would have got had they made a profit.

'What's a cubic foot?' - 'Whatever it is claim compensation.'

'A sea view would be nice-Black Sea for him,Red Sea for me!'

MEDICAL SCHOOL, 'I didn't know you COULD specialize in insurance.'

Humpty Dumpty Had a Great Lawyer

'Good morning! Lawyer, lawyers and more lawyers! Who may we sue for you!'

Walk the dog.

'We really can't afford golden parachutes any more, but here's a plastic crash helmet.'

'I want to talk to all the king's lawyers about suing all the king's stone masons who built this wall.'

"We're still negotiating. I want a six-figure starting salary and they don't want to hire me."

Medicaid Expansion: "Better not take the risk, you never know when the well's going to run dry..."

"Mr. Packard will sue you now."

'The good news is that you'll be able to continue working and pay my bill.'

"The salary is excellent and the benefits are outstanding. So... which would you prefer?"

"Yes, we have managed care. We manage not to care."

Suees and Sueers

"Incentive program, you mean like your paycheck?"

I'm beat! Was work too hard for you? I didn't notice you helping dig, haul, plant or water dad's nursery. Boo hoo! He paid you, didn't he? Yeah. But I'm too tired to spend it! Now I can help.

"Do you further promise to love, honor and obey this insurance company and to disclose to it any pre-existing medical conditions?"