Community Dodger Gifts

"Oh look! Another crappy grant which requires my goddamned work interact with the f**king community!"

"It's been moved that we adjourn for an afternoon nap. Is there a second?"

"I think I'm having pre-traumatic stress disorder."

"Bill's a little upset. The boss just chewed him out."

"Summarise all that's been said. I wasn't listening."

Church Basement Foodie

"I can hardly wait...TWO WHOLE weeks without having to deal with mindless e-mails, incessant interruptions, boring meetings...."

"Hope you weren't planning on leaving early."

A breakthrough in the morning meeting

'He's kind of a rescue dog. He points to where the hardest work is, so that I can run into the opposite direction!'

"We missed the meeting, but there might be a couple of the little muffins left."

'Miss Fenwick - I don't want to see anyone today!'

"I don't feel like going to school. Isn't that a flu-like symptom?"

"I cloned myself to take care of my Thanksgiving duties while I watch football in peace."

"Any yet he's always on my case."

'Three days, four different avoidance routines.'

Election Cancelling Headphones

'It's just a recliner with built-in heart rate monitor. But look at how many big inflatable balls are sold as exercise equipment.'

Also I don't like coffee, so I'll be working through my coffee breaks.

'You have to learn to face reality.', 'Can't I just sneak up on it?'

"If only you could do this in real life..."

"I don't get it. I hired him to workout for me every day, and I still haven't lost any weight."

Pinocchio's autopsy - "Right about here he started cutting gym class."

"You should have been here at eight!"

'Oh, Fred does exercise. He takes frequent walks to the refrigerator.'

"If they find out I'm a flight attendant pretend a heart attack so we can leave early."

'Is there any way I can keep on all this weight and still enter the Pro Football Hall of Fame?'

"If you wouldn't book hotels with such great amenities, I wouldn't miss so many seminars."

"Myra's our creative director. She fabricates emergency situations for me when client meetings go on too long."

'Ms Ferguson, weasel me out of the 315 meeting.'

'His last words were 'Go Dodgers!''

"We also offer a plan where you just post pictures and skip the exercise."

How caffeine interacts with human brain cells.

'I'm sorry, he's in a meeting. would you like his voice mail?'