Commercial Dodger Gifts

"He forgot to record the game, so he had to watch it live. The 1,284 commercials was too much for him to handle."

'He's kind of a rescue dog. He points to where the hardest work is, so that I can run into the opposite direction!'

Election Cancelling Headphones

Melvin would go to any lengths to get away from McDonald's advertising...

"Isn't this so much better without our devices?"

'It's just a recliner with built-in heart rate monitor. But look at how many big inflatable balls are sold as exercise equipment.'

"Oh look! Another crappy grant which requires my goddamned work interact with the f**king community!"

"I don't get it. I hired him to workout for me every day, and I still haven't lost any weight."

'Let's just say, if you were meat, you'd be way past your 'best before' date!'

'We see a lot of carpal tunnel syndrome caused by repetitious pushing of the tv mute button during the political ad season.'

Pinocchio's autopsy - "Right about here he started cutting gym class."

Man ignores DIY book and instead reads book entitled: 'Get someone else to do it'.

Drones Unlimited

"We also offer a plan where you just post pictures and skip the exercise."

How caffeine interacts with human brain cells.

'Is there any way I can keep on all this weight and still enter the Pro Football Hall of Fame?'

"You're suffering from banner blindness."

'I don't need to go to a gym. One of my classroom management strategies is to circulate frequently around the room. I figure I walk three miles a day.'

Winter depression.

Slimming Club: New Members Entry.

"So I'm thinking...why bother with all the junk mail?"

'Hey, we have one of those. You hang your laundry on it.'

"Must...not gaze into...his eye! For I may...never break free!"

"This is my exercise routine, and this is my routine to avoid that exercise routine."

Walk right in. Sit right down.

'Now I know why they call you Cinderella... You're always running away from the ball.'

'I think I'm going to have to hide the bathroom scale from your mother.'

"We interrupt this endless stream of mind-numbing adverts to bring you a TV programme..."

'Great news! Your father's got a job.'

"Severe lactose intolerance - he can't even look at a cow."

"Bad news...you don't have a deadly disease. You've got to go back to work."

Stationary Bike $349.95. Heck, I've got a stationary car I'll sell cheaper than that!

"I knew those drones were bad news..."

'Now you're out of order!!'

"I've been called for jury duty. How can I get out of it?"