Commiseration Companion Pillows

"I'm against pain killers for players, but I'm for them for supporters."

"I heard they mate for life."

Christmas Pets

"My wife left me. Then my hard drive died."

Protect Victims of Domestic and Sexual Violence

Diving Cat.

Of course your master calls you 'Man's best friend'. As your attorney I advise you to get it in writing.

Best friends without borders.

"I love how he finds joy in the simple things." "The emotional burden of alleviating his depression is crushing me."

"You must learn to let go."

Ice Cream Flavors

Footballer changes shirt with the ref.

Due to higher-than-usual caller volume, your wait-time is nine minutes. That's over an hour in wolverine minutes.

"Birthday? No? Anniversary?

"Cheer up! Things are sure to get better."

"I was good. Why is Santa punishing me?"

Ken wandered home wondering what the lunar new year would bring. . . like every other man and his dog.

Why Men Get Angry and Why Women Get Angry

"The doctor said I need to shop around for a casket. I asked for a second opinion and he suggested cremation."

McHappy

"I guess I'm just unlucky in love. My first wife left me...and the second one won't!"

"Sure, it's disgusting, but it's nice to have something that needs me."

'We're having a graduation party for Jerome. Actually, it's more like a fund raiser.'

"You bring the tequila, and I'll bring the Lyme."

"See that beautiful meadow at the base of Mount Mansfield? That's where I'm going to dump you."

'It couldn't handle one more office reorganization.'

"Mine's a metaphor. I don't know what's going on withyou."

"It's true we like our members to be regular givers, but irregular givers are certainly welcome."

Memories that still sear

"This project is crucial guys. Time may be short but you are shorter."

'He said; 'His wife doesn't understand him'.'

'Near Thanksgiving she always takes her animal rights work a little too far.'

Designated Walker

'I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months. It's the best way I can learn which ones I can do without.'

Man asking his friend to marry him.