Commiseration Champion Pillows

"I guess I'm just unlucky in love. My first wife left me...and the second one won't!"

'You think I'm crazy; I think you're crazy...finally some common ground!'

Couples' therapy

"My wife left me. Then my hard drive died."

WHO checklist

"Marriage is driving me crazy and she's my designated driver!"

'He has a very open mind. Everything goes in one ear and out the other.'

Ice Cream Flavors

"Do you, Amanda and John, promise to watch yourselves, mind your Ps and Qs, and generally step on eggshells in this marriage, in order to somehow keep it up and running for as long as possible?"

"Oh, no! That was the deal. Anchovey pizza, then we watch this!"

Footballer changes shirt with the ref.

"I'm against pain killers for players, but I'm for them for supporters."

Due to higher-than-usual caller volume, your wait-time is nine minutes. That's over an hour in wolverine minutes.

Looks like I do dishes again.

"When my Tia Maggie got married, she wanted 8 kids...and her husband wanted 2 kids."

"Gracie, you're a good mud artist."

Great excuses No 964 'I was on my way to the gym when I was abducted by alliens from the planet Sanrg who took me to their ship and force fed me choc-chip ice cream.'

"Birthday? No? Anniversary?

Tunnel of Begrudging Compromise.

'Make up your mind! Are you mulling or musing?'

"Can't they compromise and sell candy apples?"

"After endless delays, boarding confusion and lost luggage, it appears he's finally arriving at his conclusion."

"Lately she refers to me as her 'insignificant other'."

"How long has your husband gone through life with these 'blinders' on?"

"I was good. Why is Santa punishing me?"

"Let's try to affirm these vows with something more convincing than, 'if you say so.'"

"Before we got married you said you were oversexed."

"Apparently women use twice as many words per day as men do."

"Sometimes, God deserves a standing ovation."

"It's a deal. You step out of your bubble and I'll step out of mine."

The Next Big Thing/ The Next Best Thing.

'I wanted an exotic cruise, George wanted the usual caravanning holiday, so we compromised.'

"Hello... I will be your instructor for this assertiveness training course... that is... I mean... if you don't mind!"

Mothers are Heroes

'I'm going to restate what he just said - especially the part about my being a good listener.'