Comical Scholar Gifts

"Today we'll be discussing the Universal Law that explains why if you leave a basket of clean laundry in the same place long enough it will eventually look as if it belongs there."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

'The sound of one hand clapping.'

'This is embarrassing. By MY calculations, the universe should have collapsed in on itself last Wednesday.'

'Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest algologist of all?'

'I didn't think of it as someone else writing my term paper, I thought of it more as a guest blogger situation.'

Rita's PhD defense wasn't going well."

An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding as written and as it would have been written if David Hume had invested in a word processor,

"Yes, but you were the defender of the wrong faith."

"Before we decide if you can get in we have to watch a film review of your life..."

'There are no stupid questions, so let's also agree there are no stupid answers.'

'And in conclusion.'

Peer-reviewed journal publication.

Physicists disputing whether the clock moves backwards or forwards according to season change.

'In conclusion, I hope you all go out there, get well-paying jobs, and give lots of tax-deductible gifts to our alumni fund.'

'Physical or Social Science?'

Professor McWit, crushed by an avalanche of Philosophy 101 texts, proves again that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

By the year 2500, 1 in 10 academics will devote their entire career to divining the meaning of the word 'sussudio'.

'Spelling, math, history, geography --now the stupid school wants me to take a polygraph test!'

Reviewing a Scientific Paper - Etiquette for References.

'Oh that?... It has nothing to do with the formula; it just makes the whole thing seem less grumpy.'

Digital TV presents "It's true there really is a channel for everyone"

"Although your discovery is very important, the consensus is that your article about it lacked suspense, and was completely devoid of humor."

"For the hundredth time—I have no idea how to make crystal meth."

Man behind stage to lady about professor with person under podium: 'That's Professor Allen's understudy.'

Monkey Business College

"Eureka! The key of H!"

"Sofia, right? You hung out in the back of Professor Dillof’s anatomy lectures."

'After reviewing my student loans, I wrote my thesis on deficit spending.'

"At this school we stress critical thinking. And right now I'm very critical of your thinking."