Humorous Scholars Gifts

'I'll never get out of the third grade -- They keep raising the retirement age.'

"... and I have a follow-up question regarding rawhide."

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

'The sound of one hand clapping.'

'This is embarrassing. By MY calculations, the universe should have collapsed in on itself last Wednesday.'

'Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest algologist of all?'

'I didn't think of it as someone else writing my term paper, I thought of it more as a guest blogger situation.'

'The doctor says he's going to have to give you a few more tests...'

An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding as written and as it would have been written if David Hume had invested in a word processor,

'That's your third bowl of gruel this week! What is this -- a feeding frenzy?'

Rita's PhD defense wasn't going well."

Personnel. I've heard of "magna cum laude" and "summa cum laude," but I've never heard of a person graduating "persona non grata." (Published originally on June 3, 1981.)

'There are no stupid questions, so let's also agree there are no stupid answers.'

'And in conclusion.'

Peer-reviewed journal publication.

Physicists disputing whether the clock moves backwards or forwards according to season change.

'Okay, Noah...I'm going to tell you again. Listen very carefully this time.'

'Physical or Social Science?'

Next semester I have "The Frito-lay

"Oh my goodness. My lecture on John Donne has just been awarded Most Pizzazzy Metaphysical Lecture of the Year."

"I wanted to deliver a message of hope and tolerance in a complex global society but I decided to update them on the Kardashians instead."

"I don't think of it as copying from Danny's paper ... I think of it as utilizing the Freedom of Information Act."

By the year 2500, 1 in 10 academics will devote their entire career to divining the meaning of the word 'sussudio'.

Professor McWit, crushed by an avalanche of Philosophy 101 texts, proves again that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

'Spelling, math, history, geography --now the stupid school wants me to take a polygraph test!'

"Dad, the dean has gone over your financial statement, and he doesn't think you're working up to your full potential."

Reviewing a Scientific Paper - Etiquette for References.

'Oh that?... It has nothing to do with the formula; it just makes the whole thing seem less grumpy.'

"Although your discovery is very important, the consensus is that your article about it lacked suspense, and was completely devoid of humor."

Digital TV presents "It's true there really is a channel for everyone"

Man behind stage to lady about professor with person under podium: 'That's Professor Allen's understudy.'

"Sofia, right? You hung out in the back of Professor Dillof’s anatomy lectures."

"Eureka! The key of H!"

'And remember: just hold up this little green paper, and they will do whatever you want.'

"At this school we stress critical thinking. And right now I'm very critical of your thinking."