Comedy Scholar Gifts

Shopping in Hell We don't take credit cards..

'Are they called 'pyramids' because the Pharaoh used a pyramid scheme to finance them?'

'Students excuses through out the ages.' A cave kid says, 'My dinosaur ate my homework,' a 1950s kid says, 'My dog ate my homework,' and a kid today says, 'My computer ate my homework.'

"And that explains 'non-fungible tokens'."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

Molecular Biology and Cosmology buildings

"Oh, great - They changed the Meaning of Life again."

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

'So what are you studying, young man?'

'The sound of one hand clapping.'

'Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest algologist of all?'

'I didn't think of it as someone else writing my term paper, I thought of it more as a guest blogger situation.'

"Professor, we need you to stop. The Student Union has decided that the earth is flat."

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

Our college is tuned to the students' every need! Campus Visits. We have body image awareness week. Safe sex awareness week. Bullying, drug use and tolerance awareness weeks. What did I miss? Welcome. History, math or English awareness week? Great idea. I'll suggest that.

An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding as written and as it would have been written if David Hume had invested in a word processor,

Rita's PhD defense wasn't going well."

T.S. Eliot lacks the courage to eat a peach.

"Before we decide if you can get in we have to watch a film review of your life..."

"Yes, but you were the defender of the wrong faith."

'There are no stupid questions, so let's also agree there are no stupid answers.'

Peer-reviewed journal publication.

'In conclusion, I hope you all go out there, get well-paying jobs, and give lots of tax-deductible gifts to our alumni fund.'

Physicists disputing whether the clock moves backwards or forwards according to season change.

'Yes, your papers seem to have lots of citations, but I've checked: They're all self-citations...'

"We're going to run some tests: bloodwork, a cat-scan and the S.A.T.'s."

"I wanted to deliver a message of hope and tolerance in a complex global society but I decided to update them on the Kardashians instead."

Professor McWit, crushed by an avalanche of Philosophy 101 texts, proves again that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

Next semester I have "The Frito-lay

By the year 2500, 1 in 10 academics will devote their entire career to divining the meaning of the word 'sussudio'.

"Professor Van Winkle, the university has instituted Reevaluation of Tenure, time to wake up."

Reviewing a Scientific Paper - Etiquette for References.

'Oh that?... It has nothing to do with the formula; it just makes the whole thing seem less grumpy.'

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

"Although your discovery is very important, the consensus is that your article about it lacked suspense, and was completely devoid of humor."