Comical Scholar T-Shirts

"Today we'll be discussing the Universal Law that explains why if you leave a basket of clean laundry in the same place long enough it will eventually look as if it belongs there."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

'The sound of one hand clapping.'

'This is embarrassing. By MY calculations, the universe should have collapsed in on itself last Wednesday.'

'Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest algologist of all?'

'I didn't think of it as someone else writing my term paper, I thought of it more as a guest blogger situation.'

An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding as written and as it would have been written if David Hume had invested in a word processor,

Rita's PhD defense wasn't going well."

Personnel. I've heard of "magna cum laude" and "summa cum laude," but I've never heard of a person graduating "persona non grata." (Published originally on June 3, 1981.)

Our college is tuned to the students' every need! Campus Visits. We have body image awareness week. Safe sex awareness week. Bullying, drug use and tolerance awareness weeks. What did I miss? Welcome. History, math or English awareness week? Great idea. I'll suggest that.

"Yes, but you were the defender of the wrong faith."

"Before we decide if you can get in we have to watch a film review of your life..."

'There are no stupid questions, so let's also agree there are no stupid answers.'

'And in conclusion.'

Peer-reviewed journal publication.

'In conclusion, I hope you all go out there, get well-paying jobs, and give lots of tax-deductible gifts to our alumni fund.'

Physicists disputing whether the clock moves backwards or forwards according to season change.

'Physical or Social Science?'

"We're going to run some tests: bloodwork, a cat-scan and the S.A.T.'s."

Next semester I have "The Frito-lay

By the year 2500, 1 in 10 academics will devote their entire career to divining the meaning of the word 'sussudio'.

Professor McWit, crushed by an avalanche of Philosophy 101 texts, proves again that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

'Spelling, math, history, geography --now the stupid school wants me to take a polygraph test!'

Reviewing a Scientific Paper - Etiquette for References.

'Oh that?... It has nothing to do with the formula; it just makes the whole thing seem less grumpy.'

Digital TV presents "It's true there really is a channel for everyone"

"Although your discovery is very important, the consensus is that your article about it lacked suspense, and was completely devoid of humor."

"For the hundredth time—I have no idea how to make crystal meth."

Monkey Business College

"Sofia, right? You hung out in the back of Professor Dillof’s anatomy lectures."

Ransom Library. Oh, that's just Henry … He's a history buff. Wild West.

"Eureka! The key of H!"

Man behind stage to lady about professor with person under podium: 'That's Professor Allen's understudy.'

We like to show the endowment to newly tenured professors.