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'Help! As a contrarian I invested in rotary and supersized phones.'

A scathing stream of invective, wending its way, inevitably, to the sea.

"If they insist we dumb-down the classes, I suggest we award them a dumbed-down diploma."

"Hi, do you have a moment to discuss annoying people who stop you in the street?"

"I was on the cutting edge, but I got too many paper cuts, so I quit."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

'So what are you studying, young man?'

'The sound of one hand clapping.'

'This is embarrassing. By MY calculations, the universe should have collapsed in on itself last Wednesday.'

'Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest algologist of all?'

'I didn't think of it as someone else writing my term paper, I thought of it more as a guest blogger situation.'

'The doctor says he's going to have to give you a few more tests...'

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

Our college is tuned to the students' every need! Campus Visits. We have body image awareness week. Safe sex awareness week. Bullying, drug use and tolerance awareness weeks. What did I miss? Welcome. History, math or English awareness week? Great idea. I'll suggest that.

An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding as written and as it would have been written if David Hume had invested in a word processor,

Rita's PhD defense wasn't going well."

"Before we decide if you can get in we have to watch a film review of your life..."

"Yes, but you were the defender of the wrong faith."

'There are no stupid questions, so let's also agree there are no stupid answers.'

'And in conclusion.'

Peer-reviewed journal publication.

Physicists disputing whether the clock moves backwards or forwards according to season change.

"We're going to run some tests: bloodwork, a cat-scan and the S.A.T.'s."

'Physical or Social Science?'

"I wanted to deliver a message of hope and tolerance in a complex global society but I decided to update them on the Kardashians instead."

"Oh my goodness. My lecture on John Donne has just been awarded Most Pizzazzy Metaphysical Lecture of the Year."

'Spelling, math, history, geography --now the stupid school wants me to take a polygraph test!'

Professor McWit, crushed by an avalanche of Philosophy 101 texts, proves again that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

By the year 2500, 1 in 10 academics will devote their entire career to divining the meaning of the word 'sussudio'.

Next semester I have "The Frito-lay

"Dad, the dean has gone over your financial statement, and he doesn't think you're working up to your full potential."

'In the future, everyone will have fifteen minutes of tenure.'

"Professor Van Winkle, the university has instituted Reevaluation of Tenure, time to wake up."

'Oh that?... It has nothing to do with the formula; it just makes the whole thing seem less grumpy.'