Humor Scholar Pillows

'Help! As a contrarian I invested in rotary and supersized phones.'

A scathing stream of invective, wending its way, inevitably, to the sea.

"If they insist we dumb-down the classes, I suggest we award them a dumbed-down diploma."

"Hi, do you have a moment to discuss annoying people who stop you in the street?"

"I was on the cutting edge, but I got too many paper cuts, so I quit."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

'So what are you studying, young man?'

'The sound of one hand clapping.'

'This is embarrassing. By MY calculations, the universe should have collapsed in on itself last Wednesday.'

'Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest algologist of all?'

'I didn't think of it as someone else writing my term paper, I thought of it more as a guest blogger situation.'

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

Rita's PhD defense wasn't going well."

An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding as written and as it would have been written if David Hume had invested in a word processor,

"Yes, but you were the defender of the wrong faith."

"Before we decide if you can get in we have to watch a film review of your life..."

'There are no stupid questions, so let's also agree there are no stupid answers.'

'And in conclusion.'

Peer-reviewed journal publication.

Physicists disputing whether the clock moves backwards or forwards according to season change.

'Physical or Social Science?'

"Oh my goodness. My lecture on John Donne has just been awarded Most Pizzazzy Metaphysical Lecture of the Year."

By the year 2500, 1 in 10 academics will devote their entire career to divining the meaning of the word 'sussudio'.

Professor McWit, crushed by an avalanche of Philosophy 101 texts, proves again that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

'Spelling, math, history, geography --now the stupid school wants me to take a polygraph test!'

"Dad, the dean has gone over your financial statement, and he doesn't think you're working up to your full potential."

'In the future, everyone will have fifteen minutes of tenure.'

"Professor Van Winkle, the university has instituted Reevaluation of Tenure, time to wake up."

Reviewing a Scientific Paper - Etiquette for References.

'Oh that?... It has nothing to do with the formula; it just makes the whole thing seem less grumpy.'

Digital TV presents "It's true there really is a channel for everyone"

"Although your discovery is very important, the consensus is that your article about it lacked suspense, and was completely devoid of humor."

"Sofia, right? You hung out in the back of Professor Dillof’s anatomy lectures."

"Eureka! The key of H!"