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'Remember I said almost anyone can learn to play golf, well you're the almost.'

"Never bring a wife to a gunfight. That's Day One stuff, guys."

Grin and Bear It

Randy, if you could live in just one fairy tale, which one would it be? Funny you should ask. I come from a long line of men who've been used as the models for fairy tale princes. Sir Randy the Bold, for instance, was famous throughout the realm for his mad combat skills and his penchant for married ladies. Unlike the fictional "Sir Lancelot" he inspired, Sir Randy rotted his life away in debtor's prison ... after the League of Angry Husbands sued him in court for "alienation of affection."

'Thank God it's fry day'

Tuna funerals.

All of a sudden Xylon's UFO ran out of fuel

"Calm down! That was a massive fart, NOT a sneeze!"

Monster Baseball. The team's continuing to have some problems this season. Jekyll is good one day and bad the next. Dracula only shows up for night games. The Mummy is always covered in bandages and on the injured list. And King Kong can't keep his mind on the game --- Whenever he sees a pretty woman, he climbs up into the stands after her! At least Frankenstein has been pitching great again, just like when he was young! Yeah, he has a completely new arm!

Hey, calm down --- Now, what did you say again?

Grace For Flies

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

They're Not Just That Into It

Today we'll see some misused or misunderstood financial and economic terms. It's said inflation can hurt the economy. But it's absolutely in the tire business. I bought this warm puffy jacket with cash. A down payment. We like beer and coffee. Our most valuable liquid assets. In a monopoly breakup, the race car would to go one person and the dog to another. And when I become either a buyer or a seller. He's shorting the market!

'Remember only you can prevent forest fires.'

'I hate to be so skeptical, but I still think the seance business is a hoax!'

"A retired superhero's re-purposed utility belt"

'That's not really what I meant by 'let your hair down', Rapunzel.'

Doctor describes inside guts while patient has black thoughts.

"And you're certain these are accidents?"

"Relax. I just had a vitamin."

'Sire, Sodom and Gomorrah are requesting Federal disaster relief aid.'

The Amazing Man-Spider

"Please ask your pet to kindly put down the weapon."

'Look around, son. See if there's one you like. But remember: These are abandoned players, unwanted by their teams - so they might come with some psychological baggage.'

"You're turn to grill tonight Adam, you make the best ribs."

"So, you say I'll be doubling the numbers of animals I kill?"

'Me, I don't spend my pocket money: I hoard it...'

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

'I'm not abandoned. I'm a free agent.'

Pirate Squirrels Looking for Buried Treasure

"But if you cure my hypochondria I won't have any hobbies."

Please Drove Carefully.

"Ernestine is trying to get St. Patrick to change his mind."

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."