Comic Relief In Retirement Pillows

'He's only been retired a week, but little by little Durwood is learning to relax...'

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

Overjumpers

Look! Up in the sky! It's absurd! It's inane! It's Malaprop Man! Malaprop Man, I hear you're fighting climate change now. Yes starting with solo panels, I'm reducing greenhouse guesses! I'm investing in buttery technology. I'm going to have windmeals. And of course, I've stopped drinking cola. Why is that? I'll have a smaller carbonated footprint!

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

"It says here on your resume that one of your qualities is a sense of humor. Care to elaborate?"

The First Printed Bible

"Barlow, it's come to my attention that you've called in, 'Playing Possum' 8 days this month."

"Yes, three of a kind beats two pair."

"Saving Lois Lane a dozen times doesn't mean you can claim her as a dependent on your taxes."

"What kind of sinker are you using?!"

'I think my teacher has a crush on me. She's holding me back for another year.'

'Sleep on your face again, Phil?'

Break Glass in Case of Stress

Tourist in the desert

"Stick to the specials and no one gets hurt."

'I can't say I like your cavalier attitude Benson.'

Scarecrow chasing Igor with a brain

"Well... that rhino horn's doing absolutely nothing for me..."

'I said, I've decided to make myself available for the NBA draft.'

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

'Why are jogging on the spot?'

"I used to waste a lot of time explaining myself to family, friends and shrinks. Now I only explain myself to Rick."

'Let's face it...We have irreconcilable differences!'

'I must be getting good, because my Dad told me to go play for the neighbours!'

"You've got pussyfooting from 10 to 11, shilly-shallying until 12, then hemming and hawing the rest of the afternoon."

'Nothing to worry about, Mr. Jenkins, some people do have a mild reaction to the flu shot!'

"Having captions above makes me feel like I'm doing grand opera."

'Sorry, but I don't think you're right for our company.'

'I don't want bread crumbs. I'd prefer some money to buy a cheeseburger.'

"After Harry was gone I started decorating the house as a distraction. It was around the time I was wallpapering the driveway that I thought I should seek grief counseling."

'20 of medical opinion may change every five years...but it wont be the 20 that says smoking 20 a day and being 5 stone overweight is bad for you.'

Welcome to California. You may begin your Schwarzenegger imitation now

"It's a wheeble or some such thing, but still no sign of a deoderant."

We are shaped by what we love! Especially pizza and doughnuts!