Comic Relief In Retirement T-Shirts

'He's only been retired a week, but little by little Durwood is learning to relax...'

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

Overjumpers

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

"Yes, three of a kind beats two pair."

"It says here on your resume that one of your qualities is a sense of humor. Care to elaborate?"

The First Printed Bible

"Barlow, it's come to my attention that you've called in, 'Playing Possum' 8 days this month."

"What kind of sinker are you using?!"

'I think my teacher has a crush on me. She's holding me back for another year.'

'Sleep on your face again, Phil?'

Break Glass in Case of Stress

Tourist in the desert

"Stick to the specials and no one gets hurt."

'I can't say I like your cavalier attitude Benson.'

'Let's face it...We have irreconcilable differences!'

"I used to waste a lot of time explaining myself to family, friends and shrinks. Now I only explain myself to Rick."

Scarecrow chasing Igor with a brain

"Well... that rhino horn's doing absolutely nothing for me..."

'I said, I've decided to make myself available for the NBA draft.'

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

'Why are jogging on the spot?'

'I must be getting good, because my Dad told me to go play for the neighbours!'

"You've got pussyfooting from 10 to 11, shilly-shallying until 12, then hemming and hawing the rest of the afternoon."

'Nothing to worry about, Mr. Jenkins, some people do have a mild reaction to the flu shot!'

'Sorry, but I don't think you're right for our company.'

"Having captions above makes me feel like I'm doing grand opera."

Welcome to California. You may begin your Schwarzenegger imitation now

"The economy's terrible. I can't find anything in my field." "What field are you in?"

'I don't want bread crumbs. I'd prefer some money to buy a cheeseburger.'

Birdcage and Man cover their heads at nighttime.

'20 of medical opinion may change every five years...but it wont be the 20 that says smoking 20 a day and being 5 stone overweight is bad for you.'

"After Harry was gone I started decorating the house as a distraction. It was around the time I was wallpapering the driveway that I thought I should seek grief counseling."