Comic Philosopher Pillows

Always let you conscience be your guide. I let my conscience be my guide, but it's non-binding.

"I'm sorry, but you didn't recognize me as the Messiah when I had braces and glasses."

"I don't mind making mistakes as long as no one else knows any better!"

Valuation of Heaven

Adam and Eve and the coronavirus

"Behold the secret to happiness."

"... and I have a follow-up question regarding rawhide."

"We only got six days of funding."

'Run, run, as fast as you can!'

"Oh, great - They changed the Meaning of Life again."

Zenemies.

Barbeque Casualty.

Fiscal cliff - US dollar falling over the edge.

Mayhem, Inc. Part 23

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

The only time cats are known to laugh.

"Can you juggle a household, three kids, and a career?"

Optimist

"Now there's something you don't see everyday. How long have you been using dachshunds as sled dogs.?"

"Sir, multiple people were stabbed by a terrorist in..."

Snowman ice fishing.

'It's not much of a soap opera with just that Adam guy.'

"I don't think I can fit that into my schedule, Irv. I've got a fishing boat to attack this morning, a beach to terrorize this afternoon and a feeding frenzy this evening!"

'That's your third bowl of gruel this week! What is this -- a feeding frenzy?'

"So have you ever stopped to ask yourself: If he really knew the secrets of the universe, would he be living in a damn cave?"

'Forget it. Bioethics doesn't apply to us.'

'It's not a desert island - it's Australia.'

"Very impressive resume, however you didn't explain why you were tagged and released from your last job."

"You never laugh at my jokes... "

"She's really nice and I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so here we are."

Jim Carrey,

'Ugh, we've got termites, destructive little pests.'

'I suppose you're entitled to your opinion, but I still say that Shemp was the greatest of them all.'

'Do you mean 'who cares what the meaning of life is,' or that 'who cares' IS the meaning of life?'

'We'll see significant savings in health care costs with our new in-house operations.'