Comedy Horror Gifts

"Do you live nearby by any chance? I hate to eat in public."

"Lassie, go get help!" "Oh Timmy you idiot! Not again!"

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

'Hurry, wipe it off before Dad comes home!'

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

Occu-Pie Mars

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

"What did you say about the health of my gut biome?"

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

The Games Man: Fishing is his sole form of exercise - but he considers it bad form to move more than his wrist when casting.

"How can you be out of wings?"

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

"And when the canyon fills up, that's it; herd immunity."

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

They hated me.

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"Soul searching? Yes, you could call it that."

'That's our mission statement.'

Showbiz Awards

"I'm grounded. I forgot to delete the car's computer history after we did those crop circles on Earth."

'Here you go, kid! A worm.'