Comedy Guru Gifts

After I crossed the road, I began to ask myself why I did anything.

"I charge according to the size of the target."

The gods drink beer while Zeus throws a thunderbolt.

The fuzziness you're experiencing is not a problem with your set — You are listening to a paid political broadcast.

Fishes

Showbiz Awards

Shampoo.

"I understand this diner has quite a reputation."

Time Machine Collision

Canned laughter for sale in Theatrical Supplies shop.

'A sitcom has to be quirky or formulaic. There is no middle way.'

"He's gonna be in and out for a while, so we should write something funny on his forehead."

'Which would be more Zen ? a pizza with nothing, or a pizza with everything?'

'And, for the student with the most hits on his or her Facebook page, the award goes to Lisa Skemley!'

Vanna White: The Later Years.

Succession 2

'Hendrikson is playing his practical joke again!'

'OK, one more time. The first 'Star Wars' movie was 'Star Wars: IV'.'Star Wars:V' was the second movie...'

'Yea, I give away the fire. I make my money on insurance.'

'Just decaning the wine, Dear; I'll be in, in a sec. Someone's at the door; and oh, yeah, the dog needs to be let in.'

"How embarrassing, I'm literally glued to the television."

"You guys need to #@%!% fight harder. You're all #@%!% wimps! You call yourselves a #@%!% army? Bull%#!*!"

"It's not easy being green…"

'He's a square!'

'The Parkinson would be good PR, but should I wear the hair shirt or the sackcloth and ashes?'

Strange man has a nose monocle.

"When I was a teenager 'Saturday Night Live' had Mike Myers, Chris Farley, Phil Hartman..."

'I got my degree by watching JEOPARDY.'

'Not yet! Wait until he hits the breaking point... we just gave him some warm, soft bread and the cold, hard butter... THEN we bring out the flimsy plastic knife.'

Jerry had a difficult time coming up with cartoon ideas over the noise his dogs made. '...so then the cat says, 'No, thanks. I'll clean it myself.' 'Ha,ha! Yeah, that's a good one,Phil!'

Robert the Brucie.

The Spy Who Loved Me

Um... Can I get an 'L', Pat?

It's the Ask Sadie Advice Hour. "Batfan" in Dallas, you're on. What's your problem?! House of Java Cybercafe. My girlfriend is refusing to go see "Justice League" because she things Marvel's take on the genre is the only way to do it. How do I get her to be more open-minded and tolerant? You don't! Just become less open-minded yourself. You can't change other people, you can only seek vengeance upon them. Um ... Do you happen to have Doctor Phil's number?

"No, Barbara, this wouldn't make a great 'Seinfeld' episode!"