Culinary Comedic Guru Gifts

'Not yet! Wait until he hits the breaking point... we just gave him some warm, soft bread and the cold, hard butter... THEN we bring out the flimsy plastic knife.'

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

Lady using paint roller as rolling pin for baking dough.

"Stephen and I are today's special."

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

"States of tofu"

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

'Your French dip, sir.'

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

Soup of the month.

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

"That's it. We’re toast."

Chez Nous Menu

6 Brothers Falafel

"You're turn to grill tonight Adam, you make the best ribs."

Restaurant Francais: All you can pronounce £30.

Peter's Pitas - now with pickled peppers.

Night of the Latkes

"Tia Carmen, is it okay if my study group meets here tomorrow?"

Cookbooks

Wok. Don't Wok.

"Ninja bread men"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Would you like some wings?"

"War is hell and so is this soup."

Frozen Turkey: "I hate to bother you on a holiday but I'm freezing out here. Do you have a heated enclosed space I could rest inside for four to five hours?"

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

It turns out they don't go together so well,