Comedy Club Hopper Gifts

Comedians believe there is a future in laughter.

"Did you sleep awkwardly again?"

The only time cats are known to laugh.

"I wanted to plant my own food, but I couldn't find bacon seeds!"

'Polly wants a cracker! Fetch!'

"Sir, you're not on the list - we've checked it twice."

'Do you know the way to San Jose without breaking into a Bacharach number?'

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

'I'm 3 years old - that's 21 dog years - so start pouring!'

"I've got those 'Don't worry about me, I'll just be here, all alone' blues."

'I wanted this on the rocks.'

Clubbing

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil clowns is that good clowns do nothing."

Sober Tooth Tiger

"Would you like to try them out?"

"Oh isn't that your squeeze slithering this way?"

"Do kids eat free?"

'His 5 hour energy drink timed out. If only he had taken it 3 seconds later.'

Hypnotoon

"Is this fake noodle." "Yes, impasta."

'You know what I really like in someone? Bulk!'

"Hey. We’re in the doghouse every night. That’s the beauty of it."

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

Gangsta wrap.

"Uh-oh. The so-called marriage penalty."

A clown has a revelation at the shrink 'And then one day it dawned on me Doc... we're just not funny!'

That's weird - every time I call the self-help hotline, it goes straight to my voicemail.

Out of Context Nite with Jeremy Clarkson.

"It was a really classy restaurant. The waiters drop the food on the floor for you."

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

'Listen up, you ghoul fools, at midnight the mummy takes off the wrappings! Heh heh - just kidding folks, but seriously...'

"...And to my favorite 'Mr. Down On His Luck' relative, I leave all my spare change."

"I'm going to Bognor next year!"

"No, I'm a transplant."

American Express Credit Card