Comedy Club Hopper Gifts

Comedians believe there is a future in laughter.

"Did you sleep awkwardly again?"

"I wanted to plant my own food, but I couldn't find bacon seeds!"

'Polly wants a cracker! Fetch!'

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"Sir, you're not on the list - we've checked it twice."

'I'm 3 years old - that's 21 dog years - so start pouring!'

"I've got those 'Don't worry about me, I'll just be here, all alone' blues."

'I wanted this on the rocks.'

Clubbing

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil clowns is that good clowns do nothing."

"Do kids eat free?"

"Would you like to try them out?"

Sober Tooth Tiger

"Oh isn't that your squeeze slithering this way?"

Hypnotoon

'You know what I really like in someone? Bulk!'

"Hey. We’re in the doghouse every night. That’s the beauty of it."

"Is this fake noodle." "Yes, impasta."

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

Gangsta wrap.

"Uh-oh. The so-called marriage penalty."

A clown has a revelation at the shrink 'And then one day it dawned on me Doc... we're just not funny!'

'Listen up, you ghoul fools, at midnight the mummy takes off the wrappings! Heh heh - just kidding folks, but seriously...'

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

Out of Context Nite with Jeremy Clarkson.

"...And to my favorite 'Mr. Down On His Luck' relative, I leave all my spare change."

"I'm going to Bognor next year!"

"It was a really classy restaurant. The waiters drop the food on the floor for you."

American Express Credit Card

"No, I'm a transplant."