Hop-head Humorist Gifts

'He had a hop-on part in a David Attenborough special.'

Emergency Hipster Beard

"It was a cheese and wine party but the mice got there first!"

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

Normal Beard vs. Hipster Beard

"Actually, I used them as collateral for a loan."

"The chef made some substitutions to tonight's menu. Instead of Escarots a la Bourguignonne, he's cooking hot dogs."

Gangsta wrap.

"You know what they say: if you're tired of London, you're tired of organic soy latte and pop-up vegan yoga festivals..."

"Information is moved via neurotransmitters from neuron to neuron via the synapses into the brain where it is then retrieved by the memory via a slap on the back of the head."

"I think you're beard needs a trim..."

Hipster Police Department

"Give me something that shows I'm hip AND fiscally responsible."

"No, we don't have field to plate provenance for each bean."

White Flight. Beautification. Gentrification. Plain Old Rich.

'My boss collects stupid hats, Is yours for sale?'

'Your mom too? Always saying, 'You never do anything constructive.''

"Phew..I've been on my feet all day... How do you get these hooves off?"

Hot dog warmer

"... And that's an 18-pound piece of tofu I shot at Whole Foods."

'Last week I got a lovely watch for my wife!'

"Lucky you were wearing your hard-hat!"

"Not moonshine - small batch, artisanal grain alcohol."

"It's nothing new. We've always offered a complimentary beard wash following an order of ribs."

"Could you put me 'on hold' Mom? I could use a hug."

"Money or your beard!"

Overnight Programming

Although a rare sight in the old west, the secluded ice rinks brought out a side of the lone passing-by cowboy, that even they themselves barely knew existed.

"BEARD FOR HIRE! Good Rates!"

Swelling

"A spectre is haunting Europe, the spectre of hipsterism."

"Sorry, but it's store policy to remove man buns by any means necessary."

"Oh, it's the best thing since small-batch, artisanal, unsliced bread."

Laurel and Hardy police protection - "And don't worry about informing on the mob. I've arranged that two of my men give you 24 hour proctection."

Veggie Coffee House. Oh, no, another beet poet.