Comedy Analyst Gifts

Partygate Met Police Enquiry - If it walks like a duck.

" ... and markets closed lower today on news that markets would close lower today."

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"Amateurs."

"I was going to tell you it's a jungle out there, but I realize that's probably old news to you."

A knight sent to kill a dragon armed with a fly swatter

"Get off the stage and get a copy of 'Studies of Laughter in Interaction'—I think you'll enjoy it."

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

'Democracy? -- do you REALLY want the bars closed every election day?'

'The good news is your life sentence is about over.'

Non Thought For The Day.

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

"It's tough to get him moving, but once he's going he never stops."

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

A skip full of fools.

Hedgehog holding sign saying 'the end is nigh' as man invents the wheel.

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

Sorry, I thought you said you wanted to see 'Parrot Normal Activity'

This action stuff is okay, but try a romance or comedy next time.

"It's supposed to be a comedy, so I've had Steve, here, red-flag the funny parts."

"Dad, has there EVER been a time when James Corden was funny..?"

"It was so depressing. When I go to the theatre, I want to be entertained."

"I never saw 'Cheers,' so I won't miss 'Cheers.'"

"What are they complaining about?... The local content is the audience...

'Cohiba is written on here with a Sharpie.'

The day that William Tell bought his first crossbow.

"Gracie, don't worry so much about your big test... You know, when I was your age, I didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'. Until I looked it up."

"There's a programme about people watching TV on the other channel."

Movie Rated 'R' - Audience Rates 'X'.

'I'm sorry, you just missed him. Call back in from 5 to 10 years.'

Woke Jersey Shore

"I've been having hallucinations again, Doctor."

"I guess it's an OK job. Minimum wage plus all you can eat. I tried to quit once but couldn't get out the door."

I hear you're preaching godlessness, you little heathen. I'm preaching intellectual honesty. There is no proof of a Judeo Christian almighty. You might as well believe in Zeus or the spiritual powers of a raisin scone. Where do you think morality comes from? What do you think is the basis for our civil society? The almighty! All hail the raisin scone! HOJ.

"Yeah, right, Noah. Like THAT'S gonna work!"