Comedian-analyst Gifts

'I could kill for a good cup of coffee now.'

"Oh, great - They changed the Meaning of Life again."

"I was going to tell you it's a jungle out there, but I realize that's probably old news to you."

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

'I've been coming to Kindergarten every day for two weeks!-- When do I get paid?'

'Do you want your pie-chart with everything?'

" ... and markets closed lower today on news that markets would close lower today."

"There's a programme about people watching TV on the other channel."

Frank and Ernest's Cerebral Questions. Today's question is would an "elbowhead" be smarter or dumber than a "knucklehead"? (Published originally on October 12, 2015.)

"Mind if I tweak it?"

Printout in a genetics laboratory forming dna double helix

'Having conducted a comprehensive review of your business strategy and financial forecasts...'

Royal Mail Privatisation

Great literary festival heckles.

"While a cure for curiosity remains elusive, it continues to take a deadly toll."

Sitcom/Sitcom with laugh track.

Recycling centre with a bin for Jim Davidson videos.

'And the largest slice is mine.'

Father and son watching a TV sitcom

'In the eventuality of a double dip...'

'Hey, maybe you need to work on your writing goodlymoreshun.'

'Formerly, 'Regular' and 'Extra-Strength'.'

Partygate Met Police Enquiry - If it walks like a duck.

"Devin agrees with the president. Americans are dreamers too."

"No, it's not funny. But it's in the tradition of funny."

The immortal philosopher Murphy sets pen to paper...

"You're doing it wrong."

"I only swallowed a 10p piece. Why are you making me cough up £50?"

"Someday, Ed, we're going to look back on all this and litigate."

"The solution is to do the same as president Trump would do.. Attack on Twitter!"

"I need to talk to you about your unacceptable viewing history. I mean, Michael McIntyre!?!"

"The Earthling seems to be waiting for us to do something with the gift he has given us."

'If the gods wanted us to walk upright, they wouldn't have given us calluses on our knuckles.'

"Why do you always have to be so gloomy, Andrew?"

If Movies Were Marketed Like Politicians