Comedically Morbid Gifts

'Cause of death: Acute, sudden dehydration secondary to moisture-wicking undergarments.'

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

"In hindsight, we shouldn't have had him cremated."

"I can't come in today, I'm feeling like myself."

"It's no good, Bertie—we must either find some other place to meet or break off the affair altogether."

'I don't think you quite grasp our overall motif.'

'Well, that WAS an impressive string of obscenities, but I think I'll stick with the Hippocratic oath.'

"Now, now, relax. All you're gonna feel is a quick jab."

'Can I get a box for this?'

A question you don't want - "How many fingers am I holding up."

'We'll have a bed for you in a couple of days.'

Death Watch

"Enough medical mumbo jumbo, just give it to me straight, Doc-will I ever be able to play piano again?"

"They’re burying him with his Xanax."

'The bartender referred me to a shoe shine boy, and the shoe shine boy referred me to you.'

"Mrs. Walsh? Oh, good ... you’re still alive."

Husband electronic tagging control centre - Screen reads 'Pub'

"Well which do you think is more likely, your pillow is growing hair or you're losing yours?"

'He was a bit of a showoff.'

"Ouch! You’re killing me!"

Death model.

"Spoiler alert! You won't be needing those warm clothes."

"My dad really went ballistic! I'm not grounded...I'm under house arrest!"

"Hello?- Anyone here?"

"Mum, can I work in a morgue"

"I know you're just trying to be helpful, but why don't you let me decide where my acupunture needles should go?"

'No appointments are available for the next three months, but you can always call in to the doctor's talk show.'

"O.K. Which one of you worried well is the most worried?"

'Let's keep this simple - what part of you doesn't hurt?'

"Boy I like the sound of requiem music..."

Jungle explorers face giant hairball.

With smoking banned, what left for me to look forward to? Just drinking myself to death?

Man with a nail in his hammer