Comedically Broke Gifts

"I don't have the $39,000 I need to pay off my student loans - I don't even have the comma."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

'Well, that WAS an impressive string of obscenities, but I think I'll stick with the Hippocratic oath.'

"Now, now, relax. All you're gonna feel is a quick jab."

'We're looking with someone with balls...not an enlarged prostate.'

A question you don't want - "How many fingers am I holding up."

'We'll have a bed for you in a couple of days.'

"Enough medical mumbo jumbo, just give it to me straight, Doc-will I ever be able to play piano again?"

"The president wants me to stay on as unemployed."

Husband electronic tagging control centre - Screen reads 'Pub'

"Well which do you think is more likely, your pillow is growing hair or you're losing yours?"

Man fights with his shadow.

"I'm not drunk! I'm jush looking for my car keyish."

"Hello?- Anyone here?"

"My dad really went ballistic! I'm not grounded...I'm under house arrest!"

'We would like you to accompany us to the station, sir!'

"I know you're just trying to be helpful, but why don't you let me decide where my acupunture needles should go?"

'No appointments are available for the next three months, but you can always call in to the doctor's talk show.'

"O.K. Which one of you worried well is the most worried?"

"Plan B was to supplement my retirement income as a party clown, and that brings me to my loan application."

'They got me for 'hate-texting.''

"Haven't you heard? Twenty's the new ten!"

'So when is the moving van coming over for your shoes?'

Showering in winter.

Jungle explorers face giant hairball.

'Hey! Knock it off, will ya?'

Father afraid of daughters VAT inspector boyfriend

Man with a nail in his hammer

'Here's one I didn't write... I never learned... and can't play.'

Chuckie's test results come back negative.

"Your tired eyes are red and irritated because you put sleeping medicine in them. That's not how it works, Mr. Jenkins."

"The video of you giving that big bloke a piece of your mind has gone viral!"

I've hidden your clothes until you pay your last bill.

'Fortunately, the only person hit was a snowman. . .'

'Calm down Harold, it's just a phase some teens go through. He just shaved his coloured feathers off to express his feminine side!'