Comedically Broke Pillows

"I don't have the $39,000 I need to pay off my student loans - I don't even have the comma."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

'Well, that WAS an impressive string of obscenities, but I think I'll stick with the Hippocratic oath.'

"Now, now, relax. All you're gonna feel is a quick jab."

'We're looking with someone with balls...not an enlarged prostate.'

A question you don't want - "How many fingers am I holding up."

'We'll have a bed for you in a couple of days.'

"Enough medical mumbo jumbo, just give it to me straight, Doc-will I ever be able to play piano again?"

Husband electronic tagging control centre - Screen reads 'Pub'

"The president wants me to stay on as unemployed."

"Well which do you think is more likely, your pillow is growing hair or you're losing yours?"

Man fights with his shadow.

"I'm not drunk! I'm jush looking for my car keyish."

"Hello?- Anyone here?"

"My dad really went ballistic! I'm not grounded...I'm under house arrest!"

'We would like you to accompany us to the station, sir!'

'No appointments are available for the next three months, but you can always call in to the doctor's talk show.'

"I know you're just trying to be helpful, but why don't you let me decide where my acupunture needles should go?"

"O.K. Which one of you worried well is the most worried?"

'So when is the moving van coming over for your shoes?'

'They got me for 'hate-texting.''

"Plan B was to supplement my retirement income as a party clown, and that brings me to my loan application."

"Haven't you heard? Twenty's the new ten!"

Showering in winter.

Jungle explorers face giant hairball.

"The video of you giving that big bloke a piece of your mind has gone viral!"

'Here's one I didn't write... I never learned... and can't play.'

Father afraid of daughters VAT inspector boyfriend

Man with a nail in his hammer

Chuckie's test results come back negative.

"Your tired eyes are red and irritated because you put sleeping medicine in them. That's not how it works, Mr. Jenkins."

'Fortunately, the only person hit was a snowman. . .'

'Calm down Harold, it's just a phase some teens go through. He just shaved his coloured feathers off to express his feminine side!'

"You come home to find me eating beans from a giant can. How do you think my day went?"