Comedically Unlucky Pillows

'George,I know deer season opens tomorrow but you're not going to make it.'

"To be or not to be."

Man enters a palm reading establishment carrying a tropical plant.

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

'He's trying to talk them into giving themselves up!'

"Any qualifications other than speaking the language."

"Now, now, relax. All you're gonna feel is a quick jab."

'Well, that WAS an impressive string of obscenities, but I think I'll stick with the Hippocratic oath.'

"What fly?"

Accident-Prone Support Group.

A question you don't want - "How many fingers am I holding up."

'Look, another Now Available store is opening! Maybe yo could get a job there. They seem to be opening stores all over town!'

"It's time to end the suffering."

'I'm beginning to see some change in you.'

'We'll have a bed for you in a couple of days.'

To insure Rodney's safe websurfing, Thelma sets her own parental controls.

The only way I can get through a nudist convention.

"Enough medical mumbo jumbo, just give it to me straight, Doc-will I ever be able to play piano again?"

Clown Firing Squad.

'Oh george dear, the landlord has raised the rent!' 'Has he? I can't!'

"The president wants me to stay on as unemployed."

"Well which do you think is more likely, your pillow is growing hair or you're losing yours?"

Mortified that her hospital gown did not close all the way in the back...

'That's the last time I ask Janice to book the stripper for the office party.'

'You're the one who called for a locksmith?'

"Please—no technology questions!"

'I didn't know I had to bring a rifle. I'm sort of new at this. Last time I went hunting it was for Easter eggs.'

Devils in hell bang on the ceiling as the angels upstairs are being too noisy.

'Aaaaaah! Kenny's fallen in! Don't make eye contact! Play dead, Kenny! Play dead!'

'Achoo! I can't believe I'm allergic to sand. I bet this doesn't end well...'

'Dr Phil sez, if I'm gittin' the milk for free, I should do the right thing and marry her!'

'I've got it in pill form, but for really fast relief from panic attacks...'

"I know you're just trying to be helpful, but why don't you let me decide where my acupunture needles should go?"

'No appointments are available for the next three months, but you can always call in to the doctor's talk show.'

Pinocchio on a date: "Before this goes any further, you should know that I've got fungal rot."