Comedically Catastrophized Pillows

"You come home to find me eating beans from a giant can. How do you think my day went?"

'Well, there's something you don't see every day'

"Fred's calculating what future natural catastrophes he can ignore based on his probably life span."

"Admit it, we're lost."

"I flunked out of cooking school. Even the dog won't eat my homework."

'Anybody for breakfast?'

"It was meant to be a surprise romantic dinner for two, but to cut a long story short, it's been a recipe for disaster."

The Nihilist Deli.

What's your contingency plan, Randy? My what? If a calamity of biblical proportions were to strike here in Canardville, would you flee across the bridge to Candorville? Or would you search in vain for a fallout-resistant bunker, before surrendering to the cruel inevitability of your demise? I ask just for the sake of discussion. No reason to panic. Totally unrelated: I just found out someone who's definitely not me is selling fallout bunkers at buy-this-now-if-you-want-to-live.com. Very bad man.

'What we were about to receive has gone the way of all flesh.'

"Oh -- just scrape it off."

Paramedics carrying a man away after his dinner.

"Well which do you think is more likely, your pillow is growing hair or you're losing yours?"

The Ekert Saga: '...A place where people are always unhappy no matter how well things are going? Ah! Got it...Go to Fenway Park in Boston.'

"I'm not drunk! I'm jush looking for my car keyish."

Doomsdayers recycle pamphlets in case they are wrong.

"The weatherman is always wrong. It'll probably end up being meteor showers."

"Wow, I did not see that coming."

"O.K. Which one of you worried well is the most worried?"

The end is nigh.

"I followed the recipe and this is where it led me."

Of all the days to sleep in!

"I wish to complain about the chlorine level in the swimming pool. . ."

Children and cat crashing on cart

Chuckie's test results come back negative.

"Your tired eyes are red and irritated because you put sleeping medicine in them. That's not how it works, Mr. Jenkins."

'The bad news is the price of gas is going up. The good news is since I lost my job I've got nowhere to go anyway.'

Murphy's Slaw.

"Careful, I'm spilling your shrimp bisque all over the place."

"President Elect Donald Trump was killed today. . . when he was crushed under the wight of his own ego."

'So when you say 'Jesus Christ that hurts', does that mean for the purposes of patient feedback that you're happy with the standard of care?'

"IOU 1 BAGEL."

Mrs. O'Leary's cow. 'Why can't she come out and play, Mrs. O'Leary?''

"The last thing I remember was the flight attendant saying I had too many drinks ... "

Bird Flu Hysteria.