Comedically Catastrophized Pillows

"You come home to find me eating beans from a giant can. How do you think my day went?"

'Well, there's something you don't see every day'

"Fred's calculating what future natural catastrophes he can ignore based on his probably life span."

"Admit it, we're lost."

"I flunked out of cooking school. Even the dog won't eat my homework."

'Anybody for breakfast?'

"It was meant to be a surprise romantic dinner for two, but to cut a long story short, it's been a recipe for disaster."

The Nihilist Deli.

'What we were about to receive has gone the way of all flesh.'

"Oh -- just scrape it off."

Paramedics carrying a man away after his dinner.

"Well which do you think is more likely, your pillow is growing hair or you're losing yours?"

"I'm not drunk! I'm jush looking for my car keyish."

Doomsdayers recycle pamphlets in case they are wrong.

"Wow, I did not see that coming."

"The weatherman is always wrong. It'll probably end up being meteor showers."

"O.K. Which one of you worried well is the most worried?"

The end is nigh.

"I wish to complain about the chlorine level in the swimming pool. . ."

'The bad news is the price of gas is going up. The good news is since I lost my job I've got nowhere to go anyway.'

"Your tired eyes are red and irritated because you put sleeping medicine in them. That's not how it works, Mr. Jenkins."

Murphy's Slaw.

"Careful, I'm spilling your shrimp bisque all over the place."

Children and cat crashing on cart

"President Elect Donald Trump was killed today. . . when he was crushed under the wight of his own ego."

Chuckie's test results come back negative.

"IOU 1 BAGEL."

'So when you say 'Jesus Christ that hurts', does that mean for the purposes of patient feedback that you're happy with the standard of care?'

"The last thing I remember was the flight attendant saying I had too many drinks ... "

"Hello..? is that the 'burnt soup hotline..?'"

Bird Flu Hysteria.