Comedic Twists In Family Fortunes Pillows

"Although many thought your uncle to be wealthy..."

"It's a letter from the Vatican. They say that whilst walking the streets without stepping into dog poo is nearly as miraculous as walking on water, it's not sufficient to canonize me!"

"Two boys from legal to see you."

Help!I am being forced to eat vegetables

"Being a parent is like being in prison. . . except we don't get the hour of exercise."

'...you'd better get yourself a good lawyer!'

'Are you sure you didn't swallow your cell phone? I keep getting a dial tone.'

"I'd like my son seated in the first row."

"Bottled or breast?"

'My wife and I can't have dogs!'

Bubbies and technology

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

"Pianissimo! Pianissimo!"

'If you haven't been taking your vitamins. What have you been doing with them?'

'And to my no good nephew Milo, who thought he was going to get all my cash - lots of luck!'

'Let's hit the road, son! We are Baby Bjorn to be wild!'

'Before I mow the grass, I'd like to quote from section four, paragraph c, of the state child labor code...'

"Look. He's just created his first text output object."

'If you text for a glass of water one more time, Daddy's going to take away your cell phone.'

Thanks to Floss-A-Cuffs, parents can be certain that their kids will maintain proper oral hygiene.

"My dad and I are trading important life skills. He's teaching me how to change the oil in the car."

"This is our adoptive son. We found him in the cellar where he was raised by spiders."

Football coaches get up to mischief

'If you're planning to move back in here with your mother and me, you'll have to abide by our rules.'

'Your trainers really whiff.' - 'Yeah, they're awful, aren't they?!' - 'Do something about !!!' - 'Oh, I see...'

'I'm gonna die.'

"Hey kids! - look what I found at the local animal shelter!"

'You didn't spank me today. What did I do good?'

'My little sister can't come to school today - She's teaching my Dad how to operate his computer!'

"Dad, what does two and two make?"

'My dad used the exact same word yesterday. Does he have to come here too?'

'So; come up with any bright remarks lately?'

'It's okay if you don't hug me, dad.'

'He's got his shoes on the wrong feet again.'

"If you are still unhappy with your current allowance compensation, may I once more suggest to you a life of crime."