Comedic Self-evaluator Gifts

"And my approval rating is sixty-two."

No Parking - Scandal or No Scandal

'This chair ain't big enough for the both of us.'

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

"My computer just texted me."

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

"We'll be single again in Heaven, right?"

"Hey! This is news."

"Please excuse our appearance while our records are being impounded."

Pop up begger.

"The school construction budget is so small we can't even afford to build a snowman."

'Good news hon' ! It's nothing serious! The doctor said it's just a simple case of Tennis Elbow!'

Glimpses One Dollar

"Don't think of it as hell. . . just think of it as a normally recurring seasonal weather pattern."

'I'm knitting you sweater... do you want it too big or too small?'

"When I said the surgery was minimally invasive I wasn't talking about your finances."

How cats see their home

Teacher to student: 'I taught your father. He owes me $3,000 for therapy.'

Men and Women's changing rooms

When psychiatry works too well!

Right now my brother Al is paying a psychiatrist a hundred bucks an hour to hear his troubles, while I'm drinking beer and telling you mine at happy hour prices. Obviously, Al IS the crazy one.

"Do I take it that we can't be guaranteed your vote in the forthcoming election?"

"This is the future of logistics. Thanks to our new technology this parcel can miss-send itself to somewhere in Kazakhstan."

'It just seem excessive, somehow -- buying a big-screen, high-definition TV to watch Geraldo with.'

"Excuse me - could you tell me which recession we are in at the moment?"

London Congestion & Polution Zone - 'What's your problem? I thought Boris was in charge now.'

Trump the Jester

"If you had only listened to me when you were six and not eaten that dirt."

'The bartender referred me to a shoe shine boy, and the shoe shine boy referred me to you.'

'Why would I want an ocean-going yacht when I've got a rocking chair in my front porch?'

Screenwasher cleaning buggy.

"The Bible . . . that would be under self-help."

"You read the exit sign. The eye chart is behind you."

Safety Pin

'Aside from the cockroach, how was everything?'