Comedic Paradox Lover Gifts

'Ms. Stimpson... cancel my high noon appointment.'

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"This just in: one of us always tells lies; the other always tells the truth. Who's who? Stay tuned."

"Believe me when I tell you that I'm not that honest."

"Hang on, I know I came into the kitchen for something..."

'Massive unpredictability is absolutely certain, maybe.'

"The central digital platform is temporarily renamed Project Schrödinger’s Cat. Until it is accessed on the 24th February it both is and is not a working system."

Obese man using a exercise machine. His false teeth are flying out.

"The back flip was a nice touch."

The Meaning of Life

'It began as The Great American Novel...but it finally sold as an infomercial.'

"You're right...it's football strategy! I think I presented our financial proposal to the youth team I coach! I must get more sleep!"

"For me it's all about the craft of acting."

'I have a twitter account to slag off my facebook friends and I use facebook to insult my followers on twitter.'

"Sales rep from Milton Keynes? You prove he no British spymaster who sent you on secret mission to Bananastan?"

'I'm all talked out. Let's look into some gene therapy.'

'Until you remember where you put the ladder, be quiet!'

I've got a problem – with me. Counseling costs extra. I always hated BMW owners. But one day I woke up and realized I drive a Saab. People who vacation in the Hamptons give me hives, but I've got a summer spot in Santa Cruz. I protested against big corporate oil companies … wearing a North Face jacket and Nike high tops! Don't you realize what I've become? I'm an upwardly mobile hippy! Death to the huppy. Hates fancy coffee drinks, loves soy milk.

Analysts have said the US and Russia are closer to nuclear war than ever. The outcome of the election tomorrow will probably determine whether we live in mediocrity … or whether we suffer a nuclear apocalypse in which a crafty café owner, who's squirreled away scones and ammunition in a vast network of underground bunkers, could rise to become feudal warlord of a brand new world. So ... who are you voting for again? The person I've been preparing ever since 2nd grade to vote for.

"Good Dad, Bad Dad"

It's my manifesto on living "off the grid," mainly compiled from my blog, tweets and Facebook posts.

Scuba Skater

"Carl had the mouth of a truck driver... Sorry, Carl, I just can't make no sense from all those words comin’ out your pie hole. A truck driver with a Ph.D. in mathematical logic."

"Sorry, my mum asked me to babysit my brother at the last minute..."

Grenadiers

Right Against Right.

"We have ways of making you say yes, but I want you to want to say yes."

"I'm just doing this until I can break into accounting."

Zeno Gives Directions

Moses with the Ten Commandments on a Ski Lift

'A family car trip.' 'Contents Under Pressure.'

"When he thinks back about this years from now, he'll only remember the good probes."

"I'm alright, it's my hair...I need more hairspray."

Racing road signs

'The doctor told me to get away for a while..Where I live, in the country, it's just too quiet for me, so I've come here for a vacation.'