Comedic Literature Lover Pillows

"He won't get far without this!"

"And last week I nearly crashed while reading on the freeway..."

Wedding Day Itinerary.

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

'HA Ha! One good idea doesn't make a genius!'

Trumpeter swan meets trombone swan.

'A is for Arse.'

"Boss, I guarantee you that my intentions with your daughter are serious."

'Please, could you me to Polish my diet!'

Examination.

"Really Mum? Natural selection gave us short arms to stop us from picking our noses?"

''It's me or your stupid racing pigeons' I said - then immediately regretted it.'

The Swiss Arm-y Wife

"Young lady! You aren't going anywhere dressed like that!"

"You heading south again this summer?"

'I'm not trying to take away from the fact that you are a twisted, brilliant genius. . .but what is with the size of this bloody forehead?!?'

"Can you test for broccoli and brussels sprouts too?"

Liberals' Wishful Thinking about Joe Biden

'What's a cubic foot?' - 'Whatever it is claim compensation.'

'I'm all talked out. Let's look into some gene therapy.'

The other day during the zombie apocalypse

"It's not that I don't want a baby brother - it's just that this is a bad time for me developmentally."

Vestibular Nerve: What it takes for a Vestibular System to wear paisleys with with pin stripes.

"Good Dad, Bad Dad"

"That's the plus of our lifestyle: The trophy hunters just look at us, sigh and move on..."

"Any other educational qualifications besides Trump university?"

"You've reached Randy, the Dating Doctor. What ails you?...."

Student to teacher: 'If my paper is late it's because I'm waiting for the most current event.'

"It's your husband from beyond. He says stop trying to 'Google' him."

'If they let me take you home for christmas, I'll be able to unwrap you with the presents...'

"When you said you were getting a pet to help you through the lockdown, I thought you meant a cat."

No, thank you, I brought my own bag.

'So, what have we learnt here? We do not have knife fights on the bouncy castle!'

'Well, how many pints do you weigh?'

'Oh... I was supposed to swallow the pill?!'