Comedic Reading Pillows

"I'm a freelance radiologist."

No Parking - Scandal or No Scandal

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

'HA Ha! One good idea doesn't make a genius!'

Crew Goofs Off While Out Of Sight

'A is for Arse.'

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

Examination.

'Where do you see yourself in five minutes?'

"Really Mum? Natural selection gave us short arms to stop us from picking our noses?"

"And last week I nearly crashed while reading on the freeway..."

John Ixon: Ran Out of Survival Tips.

The Swiss Arm-y Wife

"Please excuse our appearance while our records are being impounded."

Pop up begger.

"The school construction budget is so small we can't even afford to build a snowman."

Right now my brother Al is paying a psychiatrist a hundred bucks an hour to hear his troubles, while I'm drinking beer and telling you mine at happy hour prices. Obviously, Al IS the crazy one.

"Can you test for broccoli and brussels sprouts too?"

The other day during the zombie apocalypse

"Do I take it that we can't be guaranteed your vote in the forthcoming election?"

'What's a cubic foot?' - 'Whatever it is claim compensation.'

'I'm all talked out. Let's look into some gene therapy.'

Liberals' Wishful Thinking about Joe Biden

"It's not that I don't want a baby brother - it's just that this is a bad time for me developmentally."

'It just seem excessive, somehow -- buying a big-screen, high-definition TV to watch Geraldo with.'

"Excuse me - could you tell me which recession we are in at the moment?"

London Congestion & Polution Zone - 'What's your problem? I thought Boris was in charge now.'

"You've reached Randy, the Dating Doctor. What ails you?...."

"Good Dad, Bad Dad"

Danae's Prescient Auto-Biography: '...Danae heard about Mark Twain's autobiography being published 100 years after his death and it gave her an idea to take it a step further...'

Safety Pin

"You read the exit sign. The eye chart is behind you."

"We've got kind of a noir thing happening here, Manny. The girlie cigarette doesn't exactly add."