Comedic Homeowner Gifts

"Thank goodness I'm only renting."

"See? I told you changing his food would be traumatizing."

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

"Careful. That house has a taser."

'...and remember, son, never throw up on an old carpet...wait until they get a new one!'

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

"You've got termites. The good news is I gave them all little phones to keep their minds off doing any damage."

'You'll be getting $5,000 worth of doggy treats this week. If your owner sees the charge on his credit card, you don't know me.'

Beware of the Lawn

Mouse real estate!

Man wearing T-Shirt saying 'Dog's Best Friend'

'I'm sorry, but there's nothing in the zoning regulations covering bad taste.'

"I think what he's trying to tell you, dear, is that he doesn't quite care for the cheaper dog food!"

'You're either getting smaller or they're giving you bigger pillows.'

'Hey! By appointment only!!'

'No, we did not order a corner unit.'

All items on the premises have been marked for identification: 'My cat sprayed everything in the house.'

"Well, as a matter of fact, no, you didn't tell us you kept exotic pets when you sold us the house!"

'It even has its own built-in home security system!'

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

'Do you have to do that every time?'

"My home insurance has dropped since I had it installed."

"You'd like a second opinion? Okay, I think you should stay off the furniture too."

'Hi Honey! I wanted to thank you for taking the baby to day care this morning!'

'Calm down. I heard them say we're just going into town for haircuts.'

'I got the idea from a veterinarian friend of mine.'

Junk Mail Shredder.

Right, just off to the east field to muck spread!

'Problems finding good, affordable housing?'

For Sale Not for sale.

"I decided to buy a tiny house."