Comedic Homeowner Gifts

"Thank goodness I'm only renting."

"See? I told you changing his food would be traumatizing."

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

'...and remember, son, never throw up on an old carpet...wait until they get a new one!'

"Careful. That house has a taser."

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

"You've got termites. The good news is I gave them all little phones to keep their minds off doing any damage."

'You'll be getting $5,000 worth of doggy treats this week. If your owner sees the charge on his credit card, you don't know me.'

Mouse real estate!

Beware of the Lawn

Man wearing T-Shirt saying 'Dog's Best Friend'

'I'm sorry, but there's nothing in the zoning regulations covering bad taste.'

"I think what he's trying to tell you, dear, is that he doesn't quite care for the cheaper dog food!"

'You're either getting smaller or they're giving you bigger pillows.'

'No, we did not order a corner unit.'

'Hey! By appointment only!!'

All items on the premises have been marked for identification: 'My cat sprayed everything in the house.'

'He's lookin' at me!'

We're looking for a house with a bigger crawl space… Realty.

"Well, as a matter of fact, no, you didn't tell us you kept exotic pets when you sold us the house!"

'Do you have to do that every time?'

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

'It even has its own built-in home security system!'

'Dang! The water's expired.' (Spring Water).

"My home insurance has dropped since I had it installed."

"You'd like a second opinion? Okay, I think you should stay off the furniture too."

'He missed a 5-foot putt for eagle last year, so he had an exact replica of the green build into the yard.'

'Calm down. I heard them say we're just going into town for haircuts.'

'Hi Honey! I wanted to thank you for taking the baby to day care this morning!'

Junk Mail Shredder.

'I got the idea from a veterinarian friend of mine.'

'Stu and I joined the Adopt-A-Highway program.'

Right, just off to the east field to muck spread!

For Sale Not for sale.

'Problems finding good, affordable housing?'