Comedic Divorce Survivor Gifts

'So when is the moving van coming over for your shoes?'

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

'Your therapy helped me leave Frank. Franks wants to thank you personally.'

"....'Sickness, health? ... better, worse... richer, poorer?'... how about leaving me some wiggle room!"

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

'Your dinner's in the microwave.'

It went even worse than I expected - She got custody of the kids and me.

'These anti-depressants aren't for swallowing, sir, they're for throwing at your ex-wife.'

"So let me see... for your last will you have decided to bequeath all your unpaid tax bills to your ex husband."

"Can't you just say 'bippity boppity boo' and make all these messy divorce negotiations turn into pumpkins or something?"

"On a personal note, my wife, Ann, and I have agreed to separate, as I've fallen in love with the sound of my own voice."

'I'm sorry, but according to this there's nothing I can do. It appears your species mates for life.'

"At least I got half the Twitter followers in the divorce."

"I liked you better as my first husband."

'You told me I should run the house like a business, so what am I bid for dinner?'

'I didn't get the settlement I was hoping for...turns out I'd already spent most of his money while we were married.'

'We've agreed to divide your community property 50-50...50% for your wife and 50% for her attorney.'

"Didn't you find it attractive that he was a "Free Range Chicken'?"

'And I thought I was leaving you.'

'Since they divorced I'm living with my mom, but every other weekend my dad is entitled to take me for a walk.'

"He left me. I doubt it was for another woman, though. He asked me for a letter of recommendation."

'I got custody of the kids.'

"In order to separate, one of us has to move out."

"The law says his wife gets half of everything he owns."

"Mommy divorced Daddy because Daddy was noncompliant."

'I agree, Hadley, we've seen very little of each other but that's what I intended when I divorced you.'

'Steve's divorce was really harsh - His wife got the house.'

"It was ugly, she got custody of the tin cans, chewed tyre and the rusty bike pump... And I got the kids!"

"Plan B was to supplement my retirement income as a party clown, and that brings me to my loan application."

Divorcees Club - The Joy of Ex.

"I've got to be honest with you. I've been married three times and each of them flew the coop."

"I always take an interest in my husband's hobbies. . . that's why I hired a private detective. . ."

'Can't we just get a divorce?'

'You again? -- what went wrong this time?'