Comedic Diet Follower Gifts

Giant ape eating human as advised by diet book

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

"I'm more of a 'How Jen stays thin' person than a 'Why Jen won't let Brad alone' person."

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

Vegetarian Birds

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

"The saying Use It or Lose It isn’t referring to one’s appetite."

'I gotta lose some weight.'

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

'The first thing you need to do is lose 40 pounds of that baby boomer fat.'

"This is Chance. When he first came here he was a fat Chance. Now he's a slim Chance."

'Wow! That yogapilates has really paid off!'

'I followed you advice for losing weight....i got naked and stood in front of a mirror...they threw me out of the restaurant.'

'I think my diet is finally working. went form a large to an extra medium.'

'My wife's on a diet. So far she's lost her personality.'

"This is the 'carboniferous' age and we're here in the 'Carbs-Are-Really-Bad-For-Us' Age."

"Here we go again, every 30,000 years or so this Paleo diet becomes a fad."

I've been told I can order a small mocha. Told? Because of my heart rate and activity level over the past seven days, I've been allotted a daily limit of 1,426 calories. I'm told that's just enough to include one small mocha. Hold on … there's vibrating ... Hold on ... hold on ... buffering ... Bing! Fitness overlords says I'm one calorie away from a medium mocha. It says yelling burns one calorie. I've got to get that app.

"I AM following doctor's orders. He told me to cut back to one cup a day...right?!"

'I don't get it! I've been exercising for six weeks now and haven't lost a pound.'

'Do you want toast with that?'

'…and I want you to limit yourself to 3 feeding frenzies a day.'

"I assume you're on the paleo diet."

All-You-Should-Eat Buffet

"If you order from our wellness menu, you get a side of yogurt with every dish."

"I'm right off my quinoa doc."

'When does the fridge go on a diet?'

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

Obesity Report

Full fatHalf fatVirtually fat free.

The trick to losing weight is to eat a small portion and wait 10 minutes. By then your resolve has caught up with your appetite!