Comedic Diet Follower Gifts

Giant ape eating human as advised by diet book

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

"I'm more of a 'How Jen stays thin' person than a 'Why Jen won't let Brad alone' person."

Vegetarian Birds

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

"The saying Use It or Lose It isn’t referring to one’s appetite."

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

'I gotta lose some weight.'

'The first thing you need to do is lose 40 pounds of that baby boomer fat.'

"This is Chance. When he first came here he was a fat Chance. Now he's a slim Chance."

'Wow! That yogapilates has really paid off!'

'I think my diet is finally working. went form a large to an extra medium.'

'I followed you advice for losing weight....i got naked and stood in front of a mirror...they threw me out of the restaurant.'

'My wife's on a diet. So far she's lost her personality.'

"I assume you're on the paleo diet."

"Here we go again, every 30,000 years or so this Paleo diet becomes a fad."

'…and I want you to limit yourself to 3 feeding frenzies a day.'

"I AM following doctor's orders. He told me to cut back to one cup a day...right?!"

"This is the 'carboniferous' age and we're here in the 'Carbs-Are-Really-Bad-For-Us' Age."

'Do you want toast with that?'

'I don't get it! I've been exercising for six weeks now and haven't lost a pound.'

All-You-Should-Eat Buffet

"If you order from our wellness menu, you get a side of yogurt with every dish."

Full fatHalf fatVirtually fat free.

"I'm right off my quinoa doc."

'Ooh girl, he may look like a potato, but he moves like a yam!'

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

The trick to losing weight is to eat a small portion and wait 10 minutes. By then your resolve has caught up with your appetite!

'When does the fridge go on a diet?'

Obesity Report