Comedic Couple Moments Pillows

'Since we were first married, I vowed I'd never let Jim see me slopping around in the mornings with my hair in curlers!'

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

Stand-up Romcom

I want to rip out our lawn and plant a wild meadow. And I want lost of well-mown grass. What do you recommend? Nursery open. Just a sec. I'll check with my dad. No way! Tree's Tree Nursery. I'm not suggesting a marriage counselor!

You got what you deserve … you deserve each other.

"It was your idea to install the TV dish on the church spire"

"Push harder - I still can't see the scale."

"So that's where you were last night."

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

"Baldo, Gracie...you need to learn more Spanish. For the rest of the week, I'm going to speak nothing but Spanish, and Tia Carmen will act as your interpreter, OK? Tienen tarea?"

"The blow drier is broken."

'If you're going to marry this geek, I suggest you get the extended warranty.'

'Who says women don't like chase scenes?'

"My fella was chucked out of the water-birth for running around the pool and bombing."

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

Wind shear - 81 st and Lex

'The oceans are vast, yet we never go anywhere!'

"The secret of our relationship? Easy. She just acts as if I don't even exist."

"I'm pretty lucky. I have a wife that tolerates both my lactose and bad habits."

"Anyone else would have ship wrecked us on a south seas island."

'Separate rooms please, we're on our second honeymoon.'

'If you don't plan on snacking in between meals, then why did move the fridge in here?'

'I met my wife on Faeces Book.'

'Use a tissue, dear. There's an icicle on your nose.'

Applecart - "Its's just there as a reminder!"

"But if I close the drawer, won't my breathable underwear suffocate?"

'I gave him the best years of my life. That's true. Then we got married.'

Female sock walks away from male sock, saying: 'Look, it's just a trial separation, OK?'

'Oh, don't feel bad. They say it happens to all men at some point. But then again, I never did hear of it happening to a bear!'

'Sorry darling, I'm too tired to lift you onto your pedestal tonight.'

"I figured I'd start with one love handle and if you liked it, go for the pair."

'When we were first married, he was all 'Cock-A-Doodle-Do.' Now, he's just 'Cock-A-Doodle-Don't.''

"Sounds like you've both been pushing each others' buttons."

"I want to make it with you."

"Get another cab, Dad. This one is creepin' me out."