Comedic Couple Life Pillows

'Where did my husband hide his credit cards?'

Stand-up Romcom

I want to rip out our lawn and plant a wild meadow. And I want lost of well-mown grass. What do you recommend? Nursery open. Just a sec. I'll check with my dad. No way! Tree's Tree Nursery. I'm not suggesting a marriage counselor!

"April Fools'! You should’ve seen the look on your face!"

"Push harder - I still can't see the scale."

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

"Maybe what she really wants you to do is rub her tummy."

'Do you Duane, paternity suit notwithstanding, take Diane...'

"The blow drier is broken."

'If you're going to marry this geek, I suggest you get the extended warranty.'

"My fella was chucked out of the water-birth for running around the pool and bombing."

"Anyone else would have ship wrecked us on a south seas island."

"....'Sickness, health? ... better, worse... richer, poorer?'... how about leaving me some wiggle room!"

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

"The secret of our relationship? Easy. She just acts as if I don't even exist."

'The oceans are vast, yet we never go anywhere!'

'Your dinner's in the microwave.'

'If you don't plan on snacking in between meals, then why did move the fridge in here?'

'Separate rooms please, we're on our second honeymoon.'

"Alien life-form or not, those dishes won't wash themselves up!"

"You lick, I'll dry."

Applecart - "Its's just there as a reminder!"

'I gave him the best years of my life. That's true. Then we got married.'

'You told me I should run the house like a business, so what am I bid for dinner?'

'Sorry darling, I'm too tired to lift you onto your pedestal tonight.'

"Sounds like you've both been pushing each others' buttons."

"I'm looking for a GPS with Morgan Freeman's voice. Maybe my husband will listen to it."

"I figured I'd start with one love handle and if you liked it, go for the pair."

'When we were first married, he was all 'Cock-A-Doodle-Do.' Now, he's just 'Cock-A-Doodle-Don't.''

"I'll start dancing like Fred Astaire, when you stop dancing like Nellie the Elephant!"

We never go out anymore.

'The answer is yes - I'll sign your pre-nuptial agreement.'

"Well, I think they fit perfectly."

"You ever notice how heavy your head is?"

"Try to remember to flex your ankles and if possible walk up and down the room."