Comedic Charmers Gifts

You're right, Obamacare doesn't cover everything. What happened? They discontinued my swoon insurance. Your what? It's for when someone's overcome by my personal charisma and faints. Happens at least twice a month. It was part of the velvet plan. You should call your Congressman.

"His name is James Tom Dave Jon Lee Robert Glenn Joseph Tony Sam Barnes. We didn't want to hurt any relatives' feelings by not naming him after them."

"Will you stop telling me to feed the Zebras? We just ate the zebras!"

"Hey, just wanted to say bye again, guys, I'm off to join the circus."

You're the olive in my martini

'May I have the key to your heart?'

"‘How I Spent My Summer Vacation in a Freaking Gymnastics Camp and Nearly Broke My Neck,’ by Delia McConnell."

Old Joe was determined to reach the summit as he'd left his false teeth up there last week!

'This is okay, but my ambition is to be an automatic teller.'

Andy's first airplane experience was marred by his grandmother's stinginess

'Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's is the fairest arse of all?'

'These, you realize, are just the high points....'

'Please hold your applause until I've read all ten.'

Furniture from hell.

'Got something! That baby's at least ten pounds. Can't wait to see it surface.'

'When we get back this trip is going to need some embroidering.'

"Wait. Let it breathe."

"Well, if you haven't seen him, do you know a good recipe for puff pastry?"

'Have you put her on the strict diet I prescribed?'

'Some people never learn, do they? The guy I saved today I've saved twice already!'

"The beginning of another urban legend."

"I should have realised she'd poisoned my dinner. It tasted much nicer than usual."

"My mating dances were unsuccessful, so I tried reciting poetry: didn't work either..."

'I need the loan because I fell asleep on my psychiatrists couch.'

'I'll tell you what mister - I'll lose ten pounds and stop nagging, the same day you act your age, cleanup after yourself, cook your own food and get a brain in that fat head.'

"Warm and rich, fresh and bright, with depth and intensity. Not the wine, you."

'I went window shopping today. I came home with four double glazed units!'

I feel so blindsided. Laurel has a talking pet gerbil named Herbert. So? She wants to create a little family - the two of us, Herbert and Mortkey. On day, we're just two young lovers dating. The next: Boom! I'm cleaning Herbert's litter box.

Women rush to man with 'I heart emotions' t-shirt.

"That's the man, Officer. That's Mr. Right!"

Alexander Graham Bell receives his first telephone call.

Up please...

"Look! Stem cells and Lipitor from Uncle Henri in Quebec."

'...then this gorgeous blonde fell into my arms, she's just fallen off the roof.'

"Travel the dark corridor over shoe mountain. Avoid the couch ogre lest he steal your soul. The third door is the bathroom you seek."